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About Pain

On days that we don’t see each other I call her in the evening and we talk over phone. Sometimes our conversation goes on for half an hour but it can easily be an hour and half or, on some rare occasions, even longer.

We chitchatted about the past day and in most cases we switch over to kink pretty quick. It is by no means telephone sex. Our conversations are in-depth explorations about our kink, Princess’ fantasies and mine and road-maps and new paths for us to discover.

Yesterday Princess told me finding out she enjoys pain, as a sexual trigger, is something I had learned her.
I know my Love enjoys the fierce nipple pinching, spanking, whipping, back scratching, the Wheel of Pain, hot wax and the occasional almost skin breaking biting.

We talked some more and discussed the new blog post she is writing. Finally I wished her good night and hung up. Fuck it, we were both lying in the wrong bed.

Our conversation echoed in my head keeping me of my much-needed sleep. Finally one specific element of our talk emerged.


I know deep down I am a sadist, even more than I am ready to admit, and the thought of inflicting pain on Princess is such a powerful incitement it gives me an instant hard-on and the act itself, whipping, biting, pinching, is extremely satisfying.
Princess has masochist tendencies so once again we match.

For some strange reason I got the impression, lying in the dark and thinking it all over, Princess talks more about pain than I do. She even writes about it in her poetry and in the blog post that is coming up in a day or two.

Yes, I would like go more in-depth on this and to be able to talk about it, Princess’ needs and mine. A part of me wants to discover, experiment where this part of BDSM brings us.

Yet I am afraid. Sadism is a much darker and intense road than those we have already walked or are just discovering and will it open a Pandora’s box? Am I afraid because it conflicts with the way I was raised?
Maybe the stimulus of giving pain is more intense for me but it could be the other way around.

What is Princess’ opinion?
Is taboo or upbringing holding her back too? Is it possible she wants to go further on that road with me but is afraid to say so?

Our relationship, our Love and the possibilities, Princess is really my long-awaited Grail. Princess is the One I have been waiting for so long.

I am sure we will figure this out and travel to new horizons.


Pain by Princess

You opened the door,
A very small door,
And I’m not sure
If it has always been there.

You found it,
Opened it ever so careful.
In the dark behind
You saw a tiny flame,
Barely flickering.

This fire desperately
Needed new breath.
It needed
Your gasp.
Making me

I can barely comprehend
What I feel now,
When You give me that
Delicious cocktail of
Pain and gratification.
I drink so greedy,
Too greedy, I’m aware,
As if I have to catch up
With so much
Lost time.

Feed me with pain,
Because I can not live
Without anymore.

Drive me mad
With pleasure
And Lust.
Hear me yearn
And beg
For more.
So much more.
Your hands on
My body
Are now my
Vital breath.
Your hands
Petting and caressing
With love.

Your hands
Hurting me,
And offering me
Everything I want.
Everything I need.
Help me, my Love,
Help me lose
And find You
Time after time after time.
I’m yours
Until there is
Nothing more.

A door

Back to the Playroom

It started with a simple and friendly comment on one of the photographs I have on my Fetlife profile.
I checked the commenter’s profile and the photographs there appealed to me, certainly those made in the Antwerp Fetish Café.
So I wrote him, a male Dom of my age, a mail and he replied and I then replied again and finally he told me he and his wife were going to the Playroom too and suggested it would be nice if we could meet.
I talked about it to Princess and she liked the idea.

It would be our second visit to the Fetish Café and we were, compared to the first time, relaxed about it. Even the fact there would be more people than the previous time when access to the center of Antwerp was difficult due to several music manifestations didn’t bother us.

After our Salsa lesson we went back home to change and drove to Antwerp where we arrived around 11 PM.  We showed our membership cards, paid the entrance fee (10€ each) and Princess was asked if she was wearing black, the dress code, under her beautiful red coat, something we didn’t appreciate very much. Later that evening we saw a girl dressed in a very short pink latex dress showing no undies, and pink is nowhere near black.

We checked out the Dungeon first but there was a woman lying on the ground, crying and sobbing, clearly in subspace, covered with a fleece and taken care of by two men. It didn’t feel good watching so we went back to the bar.

A tall, sharply dressed man, like me in a black shirt and black trousers, detached himself from the bar and grabbed my hand.
“Franco! Glad you could make it. Nice meeting you.”
“Hey Pat, how are you?” I smiled and introduced Princess.
We followed Pat to the bar where his wife Sun was sitting dressed in almost nothing and clearly wearing a vaginal jewel, with a nicely crafted gold-colored piece of metal, about 2 inches, going up her abdomen.
Pat introduced us and ordered some drinks and we had a very pleasant time talking with them.

Our new friends left early and we stayed behind waiting for the Dungeon to be less crowded as I still find it difficult to start playing when too much people are present. It is not that I am intimidated but hey, it is only our second time so I prefer taking things leisurely.

We drank a coke at the bar and Princess told me she had a great time talking with Pat’s wife admitting feeling a little uncomfortable because the woman had her breasts exposed.
“I wonder,” Princess pondered, “if I’m not overdressed.”
I smiled and told Princess she was okay, not to worry, promising her clothing would be more appropriate next time. To be honest, I overdressed Princess simply because I do not want her to feel uncomfortable during our first few visits to the Fetish Club.

The cellar was filled with chatter and laughter and I felt great, I felt at ease, hell, I even felt at home amidst those whom shortsighted people probably would describe as freaks. And I was with Princess, with the love of my life whom I trust with my life.
Holy cow, am I a lucky bastard!

We slowly drifted, carried away on this cozy early morning, I guess it must have been long after midnight, and it felt great and we felt so close to one another I would not have been surprised if our breathing and heart beat had matched up.

“It’s time, girl,” I told Princess taking her hand and guided her to the now deserted Dungeon.

I gently kissed her and helped her get out of her dress and bra and she felt a little uneasy so I offered to blindfold her.
After cuffing her and attaching them with carabiners to a horizontal bar I tackled Princess up until she was somewhat stretched but still standing steady on her feet. Other Doms let their subs tiptoe but I did not want to push things to far yet.

I caressed Princess’ body, gently spanking her with my left hand, switching to the flogger so I could warm up her skin.
After I few minutes I started using my whip, stopping after each few blows to kiss Princess and to touch her quickly moistening pussy through the soft fabric of her lace panty.

Suddenly there was a slight, almost undetectable change in her reactions and although Princess hadn’t used her safe word I felt there was something wrong.
I took Princess in my arms and kissed her softly in the neck.
“Please unfasten me and do I quick, I don’t feel very well,” she whispered and her softly spoken words felt like icy droplets running down my spine.
Only a few seconds later I had her freed and grabbed her, feeling how she was almost going through her knees.
We sat down and I held Princess in my arms, my heart racing as mad, my mouth bone-dry, I was so afraid I had done something wrong.
Boy was my love pale and it took long minutes before she felt well enough to speak.
“I’m sorry,” Princess sighed, “but I suddenly felt as I was going to faint, my head spinning as mad.”

I calmed her down and helped her dress.
“Really, I’m so sorry, I’ve not been well for a few days, a virus or so, headache, pain in the stomach.”
“You should have said something, Princess. You scared the shit out of me,” I replied.
She smiled and kissed me ever so gently on the lips.

Soon after we left.
It was 2:15 am, Sunday morning.

We arrived at home some 40′ later and went to bed and we made love, intense and rough and after that we fell asleep in each other’s arms.

It was a mixed bag, our second visit and are we going back?
I really don’t know.
On several occasions I sensed Princess felt uneasy.
We’ll see.

Fetish Café - from their website.
Fetish Café – from their website.



What a night!

Friday in the early evening Princess and I went to our weekly dance lesson. Afterwards we enjoyed a drink with some friends on the terrace before my Love had to leave.
I had about 45′ minutes before Princess would return from picking up her daughter Ar at work and dropping her at home.

Some time ago I had bought an old chapel chair with a reed sitting for Princess but we hadn’t baptized it yet.

I set it up in the living room, shoving one piece of the sofa aside and turning the other half around so Princess could lean on it while watching the iMac 27″ screen. Prepared a movie and a playlist too and made sure the remote control of the Mac was at my fingertips.

Then I prepared two dark brown bath towels, one on the floor and one spread on the couch. Prepared a smaller one for myself, I get rather sweaty when we are playing, and finally lit a few dozen candles and closed the curtains.

After a shower and putting on my black undies, very sexy, designed by Valentino I was ready and, more important, I was now Milord, eagerly waiting for his lovely Princess to arrive and to completely submit to Him and His wishes; wantonness racing through my body, my mind and my soul.

Then I heard Princess enter the building and started the playlist so when she entered in my apartment, only lit by candles, The Host of Seraphim by Dead can’t Dance, was just starting.

“Wow,” she simply whispered and I could tell Princess was really blown away by the brooding atmosphere and already trembling in anticipation.

I grabbed her hair and kissed my love the pushing her in the living room.
“Ready?” I murmured.
Princess nodded.
I collared her and asked her if she needed to be cleaned.
“Yes Milord, I do. Please.”

I attached the leash to her collar and lead her to the bathroom where I undressed and washed her and inspected her and kissed Princess taking her back to the main room.

We started playing and it was one of the most memorable scenes I’ve ever played, 4 of them with aftercare in-between each of them.

Finally Princess and I played for a little more than 4 hours, a first one.

It was indescribably awesome, unforgettable and so very intense and extreme.

After playing we went to bed and on Princesses request we played an extra scene, she wanted me to inflict even intenser pain and Princess lost herself into deep subspace, another first. Well, no true, she had been in subspace before but not that unfathomable deep yet. I did my best to comfort and sooth her, make her feel comfy and safe and when she came back she simply smiled and thanked me and we fell asleep.

To be continued

Waiting for Princess


About Princess and I… and BDSM

Yesterday in the late afternoon Princess texted telling she missed me very much and was yearning for kisses. What’s the curfew if I wanted to come over and sneak under the cover with you? she added.
I answered she was more than welcome.
Anytime, any day.

When Princess arrived at my place we hugged and I guided her to my sofa where we sat down. We chitchatted for a while, in some sort reviewing the day, drinking excellent Shiraz.

Princess and I are spending this weekend in Bruges.
I asked Princess what she would like me to take with us in case we had time to play, limited to three objects and I made a mental note of my preferences.

“The collar for sure,” Princess replied.
“Okay”, I nodded, “and?”
“One of your whips of course, or the bamboo stick, I’m not sure. Could we take both? Please?”
I smiled.
Then Princess hesitated.
“Tell me,” I encouraged her.
“The clover clamps,” she answered, hesitatingly. “Omg, did I just say this?” Princess continued, “I hate these things, well, kind of hate/love them to be more precise.”
“Go on, tell me, Princess.”
“They hurt, they sting so much and when you take them out your black box of pain I feel fear even if I know now how they feel. Yet when you whip or cane me, or fuck me from behind, they feel so good, they increase the gratification I feel.”
Once again I smiled, I remember the effect they had, surprising us both, just a few days ago, just before we ended our play. I will be writing about it.

We love talking about how we play so we can fine tune and explore new paths and this time we made some sort of overview. Where are we, where can we grow, what needs more attention, new paths.
This is what we agreed upon.

Not enough was the first thing Princess said, as she likes to be tied up. It is about wanting to feel helpless and giving Me all her trust.
Recently we have been talking about shibari and Princess is eager to try it.

We both feel we can grow here. It has been a minor aspect of our play. Princess wants to explore and discover what it means for her to be ordered. She gave me some examples and they will be included in our next play. I have some ideas too but weirdly I find it easier to use a whip than verbal domination.

Princess and I smiled at each other because we enjoy this part the most. There is room for growth of course, like increasing the intensity without exaggerating, but I should also find new ways to inflict pain on my Loved one.
I am still flabbergasted how wet Princess becomes when, for example, I whip her or play with hot candle wax. She told me she has something with fire and maybe this should be explored, within all safety limits of course.
Oddly Princess does not like me playing with ice although she introduced it. Well, to be honest, Princess likes to use it on me (I enjoy it very much), not the way around.

It was getting late and we both had to get up early. Princess and I were hot and we made love for an hour or two before falling asleep in each other’s arms.

There was one thing though we didn’t talk about. I prefer to write it down though because it isn’t that big deal, well most of the time. And I guess Princess knows this already, from deep within.
Sometimes, after an intense play, I feel a little down and uneasiness creeps in. We both had a great time; it was consensual, hot and intense. Yet somewhere in deep in my brain education and taboo’s start to fight with what I’ve just done and makes me feel, well, uneasy, a little guilty maybe.

Princess feels this and she soothes me very well. Before falling asleep thanking me over and over for playing; telling me how much she enjoyed it. And in the days after, on the phone or in a short text message, she emphasizes she wants to play again.
ASAP, Milord. Please…

I made this image a few days ago and it is our first attempt in rope bondage. It is based on a short video by Two Knotty Boys and is called Dragonfly Sleeve.
Of course it is not perfectly done but whom am I kidding, I’m a novice at this!

Rope bondage - 05.29.2013

Thoughts – March 22, 2013

Thank god it is Friday evening. Weekend!
This Sunday it is Little A’s birthday (13) but I doubt if I will see her as she lives with her mother and there are the Easter school exams and so on.
Little A. is with me next weekend and I have planned a two-day stay in the Ardennes with her. Hope the weather will be okay, it is still freezing cold and there is no trace of a hint of spring yet.

On March 20th Princess and I spend some time on the phone and we kind of congratulated each other for the great and wonderful 18 months we have spent together as a couple.

Princess has made me extremely happy, I can’t image life without her anymore and we are committed to grow old. Together that is.
I remember our first date. We had finished our dinner and we were walking to the car. I was deeply touched by her story about her husband who was killed in a car crash a year before, how difficult it had been for her 5 kids and one foster daughter and how she tried to manage this family who wasn’t ready for an intruder in their lives.
I realized Princess had been very honest with me and I was grateful for this. Much later she told me she was pretty damn sure our story would be one date only, she never expected I would fight for her heart the way I did. The way I still do.
At moments it has been very difficult and even today 3 of her kids do not accept me and have problems when I enter the house, even if it is only for a few minutes.
So I remembered our first date, we were walking back to the car and honest to god, I have no clue why, but suddenly I asked Princess if one day she would marry again.
Her answer was immediate, no hesitation whatsoever: hell NO.
“Okay,” I said, “I understand.”

Today Princess knows that in a near future I will ask for her hand and I’m pretty sure what her answer will be.

Every 20th of the month also means a deadline for Princess. She is expected to write something for my blog and this time she didn’t deliver.
We talked about this on the phone yesterday and she rapidly admitted she didn’t have a real reason for not having written something.
It was late and she was lying in bed and I was also and we wanted to be together but we couldn’t and we had been talking about buying a bed together for when I would move in one day. In a few years, I hope.
Her bedroom I have never seen except for some hazy iPhone pictures she had made for me.

“Are you mad I didn’t send you something for the blog?” she suddenly asked.
“No, of course not,” I reassured her.
“Really?” There was something in her voice but I didn’t capture it.
“Really,” I told her.
Silence and I heard Princess sigh.
“I want to be punished Mylord. Please discipline me when we see each other on Saturday,” she begged, “I am craving for it, the whip, the candle wax, the clamps. The blindfold, the pinching.”
“Princess…” I tried.
“I need to submit to You, I want You to inflict pain on me, it has been so long. Please, Mylord. I want to give myself completely to You.”

I promised Princess I would do so. Hell, I needed it too.

It has been months since we last played after having discovered how we both where into bdSM and its very positive influence on our relationship.
It didn’t stop, not really, but these past few months have been emotionally heavy for both of us. So bdsm lost terrain and we needed to know we could rely on each other and we wanted other ways and vanilla, well, mixed with some rough stuff, seemed the right answer.

I am looking forward on putting Princess’ her collar on again.
She does too.

I should write about these emotional moments we had these past few months and have made all the difference. They have not only made our relationship deeper but made me a better man.
When I decide to write about it Princess will recognize the story because it will be called ‘4’.


The discovery of Princess

September 6th. 2011.
My Ex phoned me late that afternoon on my cellular. She couldn’t make it to the parent’s evening at the school of my youngest daughter and asked if I would go.
Sure, I told her. Hell, I didn’t have anything planned and it was still better than sitting home alone feeling sorry about myself not having someone in my life.

At 19:45 I walked leisurely to the school, entered the entrance hall and was offered a glass of Cava that tasted like cow piss, not that I have any experience in that domain.

Already bored I looked around and then suddenly I saw her. It is so hard to describe what I felt. Like electricity flowing through my body maybe; or as if my heart had been jump started after my sudden death.
She was a magnet to my eyes and it seemed as every light in the hall was contributing putting her in the spotlight, making her long blonde hair shine like pure gold.
Without any hesitation every nerve, every cell in my body knew she was the one, that I finally had found my Grail. My journey, my quest had finally come to its end.

My mouth was dry, my heart beating as mad when I decided to walk up to her and say hi.
O my god, she is so lovely with that voluptuous blonde hair and her beautiful eyes I want to lose myself in.
“Hi”, I said, stumbling over my words, approaching an unknown woman like that, I would never have done that, this was new, I was driven by an unknown force.
She smiled at me and we exchanged names and some small talk.
It turned out she was the mom of one of my daughter’s friends.

I made sure I was in the classroom before she entered, I saw a light hesitation but she came over and sat down next to me. Boy was I nervous, going through the stuff in the desk I was sitting at, pulling out an agenda and reading the name on it.
This was really uncanny; I was sitting at my daughter’s desk.
I pulled myself together, wrote a small note, slid it in her agenda on the date of the next day.
Listened to the speeches, exchanged some words with L. and then it was over and we all left the classroom.
I almost let her go, then, pulling myself together once more I ran for it, saying, stumbling, I would love to see you again.
Once again she smiled and said yes and 10 minutes later I was on my way home with her telephone number on a small piece of paper burning in my pocket.

Our anniversary date is September 20th, and that evening I took her to a sushi bar and we talked and talked. We decided to see each other again.

We made love for the first time 3 weeks later and it was overwhelming, pure, intense and for one reason or another I seemed to be pushing all the right buttons. It was vanilla sex but I had never ever experienced it like this, just pure magic, two people completely connecting, and becoming one as it is supposed to be.

Months later, during one of our long afternoons of heavy breathing I grabbed her hair violently, pulling and forcing her head away from my mouth, I wanted to look her in the eyes while I was fucking her.

Her reaction was immediate, she moaned, sighed and almost came. Her eyes closed, a grin in her face I now recognize as total sexual surrender.
A few weeks later, same reaction when I put my hand on her throat, or later on, using her panties to attach her wrists.

Slowly our lovemaking evolved to a phase where I dominated every inch of her sexuality, using only my hands, legs and an occasional panty to restrain her, controlling her.

Finally that evolved too as inflicting pain started dancing with lust. She told me she desired that I would slap her behind. After that I started pinching her nipples. The first time she used her stop word, but now she can stand even clothespins on her nipples, tongue and labia. She is an avid learner.
She is Princess; my submissive a name that just came up naturally.

It was only a month or two ago we started really talking about our feelings, the shift in our lovemaking. One of the reasons of the strength of our relationship is the fact that we can freely communicate with each other.
We both understood we where now engaging in a real S&M relationship adding some bondage.

Toys were introduced, like a blindfold, leather cuffs and several whips, all different, each responsible for another kind of excruciating pain.
The feeling I have afterwards, taking care of Princess, holding her, comforting her, telling Princess how much I love her is more intense than my own orgasms. Being her Master, in every sense of the world is so incredible gratifying.

This morning we talked again, lying in bed, surrounded by the smell of rough and intense lovemaking. The radio controlled egg I had inserted in her made her go berserk.
She told me she trusted me completely, that I owned her body, her sexuality, that she was committed in pleasuring me.

She is Princess, with a capital P.
Yes, with a capital P.
She gives herself completely but I could not be what I am without her thus in a way Princess is a Master too.

We are one.
Princess and I.