Last night sleeping was difficult. These past few days have been very warm with heath steadily accumulating in my apartment.
So I had all the time of the world to fuck with my brain, with my thoughts.
Past Wednesday morning, after lovemaking, our sheets were soaked with our sweat and Princess’ juices. It felt good though, feeling the wetness and stickiness, being enveloped by the remains of hot and rough lovemaking. So very carnal and primal.
We have a very open communication, Princess and I, and we don’t hold back anything.
Our conversations are held on different levels though.
There is your 101 regular normal talking with complete body language underlining what we say.
When we don’t spend the time or the evening together we talk through the phone before going to sleep. These conversations are mostly about the stuff we don’t find important enough to waste our time with when we are together. Sometimes we talk about recent experiences, plan an evening out or whatever.
Past Wednesday during lovemaking, I shared a fantasy with Princess. It was about a recurring fantasy of mine. Something that has been popping up in my head on quite a regular base.
Princess was quite astonished. Not only because of the fantasy and because I admitted I had been reluctant to tell her about it. It was about knocking on one of our hard limit’s doors too.
At one moment I asked her if it wouldn’t be better to rephrase our hard limits.
As a matter of a fact we only have one hard limit.
Thou shalt not share.
It is one of the first things we agreed up, more than 3 years ago. Lately I have been wondering if it was about fear more than about personal integrity.
Princess and I both agreed a while ago that it would be acceptable, under the right circumstances, for Princess to have a one-on-one woman experience during play. I would of course be tangibly present.
This decision could be considered as a tiny fracture in our hard limit.
I love to question myself because it helps me evolve.
Questions Princess asked me about our experiences in the Dungeon and our play evenings at home were often about she wanting to know how I perceive what is going on.
Last night, while waiting for sleep to embrace me, it dawned to me.
I like to think I am an exhibitionist and a voyeur. This is not true and yet it is.
When we play in the Dungeon I act as an exhibitionist. I am seen, Princess is seen and so is what we do.
Yet I do not find any personal satisfaction in this knowledge. When we play I am so focused on Princess that I am unaware of what is happening around me.
Are people masturbating because what I do with Princess is arousing? I have no idea as I am zoned out completely to place where only the two of us exist.
So am I an exhibitionist? If the definition would be ‘I am not bothered with the fact my (sexual) acts are seen by others’, then I would be an exhibitionist.
Unfortunately that is not the correct definition.
One of the more accurate definitions of exhibitionism would be ‘the act or practice of deliberately behaving so as to attract attention’.
That is me as I do not get any (sexual) gratification of being watched. During play I am totally unaware of the presence of spectators.
After playing in the Dungeon Princess and I go to the bar and enjoy drinks while discussing the scene we played. After that we go back to the Dungeon to see what is going on.
Mostly it is eye candy. Whipping, torture, sometimes, if we are lucky, some woman-on-woman play incited by their Doms.
Watching these scenes is a massive turn-on for me. Imagining Princess in a woman-on-woman scene would be a maddening experience.
Even more if were to be the devious Dom pulling the strings. It comes without any shadow of a doubt that Princess would be, in every given scenario, the alpha-slave.
Then other images started trickling into my mind.
What if the imaginary woman would be replaced by a man? (in this scenario Princess would be blindfold the entire time)
I remember, quite some time ago, a staff member of the Fetish Cafe told us that in most cases finally all hard limits are torn down.
At that time the idea freaked me out.
I remember, several years ago, how I felt uneasy and threatened when, during Salsa dancing class, a guy asked me if he was allowed to dance with Princess.
Now I know it was about feeling insecure but that is a feeling I do not have anymore.
It is about pushing our limits, about mental manipulation, about sizzling moments and not about giving some guy a home run on Princess.
It is about being a voyeur and for me it is a turn-on beyond words.
So this is what I proposed to Princess, past Wednesday morning:
There are no hard limits, we accept and embrace and grow. But let us promise we will never ever do something groundbreaking simply because we want to pleasure the other without wanting it for our self.
All of this is not a conditio sine qua non but more about enjoying our sexuality (not love) at its fullest. It is not about full-blown sex either, but about the thrills, the suspense and mostly about Trust.