Yesterday, while updating the software for my film scanners, I picked randomly a few slides in order to test-drive my Epson V700. Slides my father made, over half a century ago.
They had turned magenta, typical for Agfa slide film. The Kodak slides and other types of Afga film have somewhat kept their colors.
By posting this image I want to honor my parents who gave me the precious gift of life. They where the foundation of whom I am today. The loved each other deeply with devotion and love. No drama, no bad words, just love and caring.
Not for the first time I wonder if my father was a Gentleman Dom and my mother a lovely submissive. I’ll never know.
The first 13 years of my life where magical and I have so many great childhood memories. Then my father passed away and life suddenly became a struggle, at that time mostly for my mother.
My mother was devastated, as if something had been ripped out of her body. She was so lost and she never even looked at another man.
My mother did her best for us, my sister and me, but the enchanted times had vanished. Forever I thought.
My mother passed away 10 years ago. I miss my mother but I do miss my father the most. Of course I am aware that the memories he still lives in have been polished by the steady flow of time.
There is a mental exercise that I sometimes make. Futile and stupid of course as it is an impossibility. But what if a gorgeous and sexy fairy would offer me 10′ with one of my parents?
Ah, the dream and an easy choice. I would without any shadow of a doubt choose for 10 minutes with him. My father.
No, I do not feel less for my mother, it is the way it is.
Indeed, there have been so many moments in my life that I was desperate because I could not find what I had lost when my father died.
I did not find it in the short of long relations. Certainly not in my marriage. My daughters came close but not close enough.
Deep in my heart though, I knew I would recognize it when it would ultimately show up. I knew that moment would come.
On the evening of September, 6th, 2011 it finally happened when I met Princess. She turned my world, my life and my heart upside down.
On this windy Sunday evening I now understand what it is I lost when my father died.
Yes, with him my childhood evaporated, true. And unhappy decades would follow.
Looking at this image yesterday and holding Princess in my arms this morning, I suddenly understood what I have been really looking for all these decades. And it was not what I had expected.
It is the deep, trusting, loving and absolute connection my father and mother had that I have been searching for.
I found it, over 4 years ago, with Princess and it is still growing and intensifying.
Princess and I have that extremely deep connection that will survive eternity.
Thank you, Princess, for being in my life, for being with me.
For you love.
You. And. I.