Some time ago I received an email from Kayla Lords. I guess you know her from her excellent blog A Sexual Being or as author of some excellent BDSM stories.
This is an excerpt but you can read the whole article HERE.
Takeaway:Real dominants don’t all wear three-piece suits or leather. They don’t throw out orders to total strangers. But they have many traits in common – and none of them are sexual or about the clothes they wear.
Contrary to what the erotica burning up e-readers around the world will tell you, not all Dominants wear three-piece suits, own multi-billion dollar corporations, or turn their secretaries into their submissives from the first interview. Books like that are fun to read and certainly get me all steamed up, but trying to find a Dominant that fits that mold is nearly impossible.
Dominant people, because they can be male or female, cis or trans, come in every shape, size, color, sexual preference, income bracket, education level and career. There is no perfect picture of a Dominant. The men don’t all wear suits. The women don’t always wear leather or latex. Many Dominants I know are typically found in jeans and t-shirts.
So, what does a “real” Dominant look like? In my experience – as someone who loves a Dominant and is friends with others – they all have very similar traits. But here’s the surprising thing: Not one of those traits is physical.
Common Traits of a Real Dominants
A good Dominant doesn’t rush into giving you commands from the moment you meet. If they do, it’s likely a test. Master M, a friend of mine and Domme (yes, she’s female and yes, she uses the title “Master”), has said many times that if she’s giving a new potential submissive an order, it’s to see if they have a backbone and will stand up to her. Dominants are in no rush to have you bow and kneel before them. They want to get to know you as a person first. (Learn more in 5 Ways to Spot a Good Dominant.)
The best Dominants do what they say they’re going to do. They’re consistent in thought, speech and action. You know where you stand with them. The reality is that you might not always like what you hear, but you know you’re being told the truth as they see it or they’re doing what they think is best.