Tag Archives: psychosis

Thoughts – November 12, 2014

It struck me when I noticed I hadn’t written for my blog in weeks.
Except for my weekly post about photography.
A month or so ago I briefly suffered from SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and obviously had its effect on my creativity.

I guess is it a mere lovers quarrel though. Writing and photography have been and still are my favorite ways of expressing myself. Yet I have never been able to do them both at the same time.
At the moment it is about photography and then, momentary, it will become less important and writing will take over.

Everything is well with Princess and as a couple we are doing great. The lovemaking still is awesome and I’ve added a few new tricks to my BDSM toolbox. They make Princess come almost instantaneously.

Since I fell out of grace with Stella I received a few not so friendly text messages. They are just a ventilation of her anger towards everything and for the time being I’m in the eye of the storm. I guess it has to do with the fact I kept Princess company when she was babysitting at Stella’s while her daughter was staying with her grandparents. The fact I stayed uninvited there is a huge issue and doing so I invaded her privacy big time. That was enough for Stella to ditch me.

Yesterday evening Princess was at my place and she told me Stella had been rambling about pain in her shoulder, her arm feeling numb and then it became disabled and blablabla. Stella was mad because Princess didn’t take it seriously. What she needed was ER and the finest doctors around.

Then Stella texted a message and Princess showed it to me. Stella referred to me as the ugly bastard that kept her mother from seeing her, spending time with her. Sadly it was business as usual.

Later on that evening I got a message too. Stella told me I was soon to change from mister gold to mister black.

She thinks I am rich hence the mister gold but Princess and I did not know what she meant with mister black. We made fun out of it referring to the Tarantino movie Reservoir Dogs albeit there is no Mr. Black but other colors are represented.

Shortly after Princess received yet another text message from Stella. It was kind if hard to figure out because it felt as a message about us intended for somebody else.
Stella wrote I was very aggressive and she had witnessed it with her own eyes. Then she wrote about that naive bitch she felt sorry for and how she could not understand that bitch wanting to undergo all this/that whatever.

Not more than 2 minutes later The Boy texted his mother and it was a disturbing message where he almost begged his mother to tell him if there was something wrong.
Suddenly I understood what Stella meant when she warned her mother I was soon to be a mister black. And I also knew why we didn’t quite understand her last text. It was not meant for us but for The Boy.

“Phone The Boy know,” I urged Princess.

They spoke for about an hour while I went to our bedroom and tried to calm down.

Stella had half convinced The Boy I am an abusive partner, that I hit and hurt his mother. He also felt very uncomfortable noticing his sister referring to her mother as the bitch.

Stella told her brother that their mother was with me for my money. That Princess is financially depended from me, that she is too afraid to leave me because I am violent and aggressive. It seemed Stella had swamped The Boy with text messages but he was way to ashamed to tell his mother what they were about.

I can only imagine what Stella is telling the other family members. And in the end, even if they know about Stella’s condition, I am a stranger and they will tend to believe their family member. I fear there will always be a shadow of a doubt haunting me.

When I woke up early this morning holding Princess’ warm body in my arms, I felt so sad I could have cried.
Mostly though I felt betrayed.

I had taken care of her and her little Star, I had given her friendship and trust and love. I remember writing I accepted Stella almost as my daughter. It was great being able to take some of Princess’ burdens away. I have noticed Princess finds it harder and harder to coop with her daughter.

I remember the four of us spending a magnificent day at the beach. I remember other moments, warm and intense or funny and pleasant when Princess and I spend time with Stella and Star. I had my own moments with Princess’ daughter too when taking her to Ikea and so on.

I guess that is the hardest part of it all.
It will never ever be the same again.

Breakfast

Being there

When Princess and I left Stella past Saturday evening we knew the night was not going to be a peaceful one for Stella.
Sadly since weeks none of the evenings have been good ones for Stella.

Stella is really not doing well and baby Star has returning respiratory problems.

It was concerning to see how Stella had no idea if she had already given Star’s antibiotics. Chaos and fear reign.
Luckily Princess had kept track. She had been at Stella’s place at least 4 times already.

When I arrived at 8 Stella went outside to take a break on her terrace. Princess told me her firstborn was over stressed because her sisters had visited her and she had received way to many stimuli.

We took care of Star and when Stella reappeared she said hi and told me she was sorry for her behavior. That was not necessary. I really have an idea how she feels.

So we left Stella’s place and drove to our place. We did not go to Antwerp to attend the monthly Fetish Lounge. It costs and school just started and we are going on holiday.

We enjoyed a glass of wine and then we played.

I had Princess tied up, lying on the floor, when her iPhone buzzed.
Stella.

I handed the phone over to Princess and she talked with her first-born.
Then I noticed hopelessness in her eyes when Princess handed me the phone. It was a gesture of surrender.

She did not say a word but I knew she had given up and wanted me to find a solution.

Stella was not crying, she was screaming with a mixture of fear, heartache and fear to the Nth power.

Her arm felt a little numb and she felt an uncomfortable tingling. You know, a sleeping arm or leg.

In Stella’s head she was slowly getting paralyzed and she was convinced she would wake up the next morning with a black and dead arm.
It was heartbreaking to hear and I felt powerless and did not know what to say. Not that it mattered though. Stella was to far gone to be open to anything reasonable.

“I am expecting my mother to come over now and stay the night with me,” she said and then the connection was broken.

So I told Princess going to Stella and pass the night with her was useless. It would sooth her, definitively. But only for one night and the next evening the demons would be back and it would be like that next evening. And soon Princess’ only option would be living with her daughter.

A real solution, if possible, was really something to strive for.So I told Princess there was only one thing to do. Take it or leave it was no option anymore.

I urged Princess to contact Stella’s psychiatrist and talk about her concerns, the impact on the family. Stella’s fears and worries, things I am almost sure Stella does not discuss with her doctor. Maybe I am exaggerating but I have the impression medicine is Stella’s religion.

Sunday morning we went to Stella’s to pick her up. She was mad and almost threw us out.

Sunday went by and when Princess phoned me it was 10 pm or so.

Apparently during the day Stella had not answered any of Princess’ calls.
Then one of Princess’ daughters visited Stella and had the impression baby Star had lost a lot of weight and was pale and so on.

So when Princess phoned me she was ready to pick up Stella and Star for a visit to ER. Princess needed me but was aware it would not be a good idea. There was need for some serious mother-daughter talk.

Obviously I didn’t sleep very well as I was worried about baby Star.

Princess texted me this morning and informed me Star was okay. Stella made up with her mother but when she found out Star was released from ER she got mad again.

It is something Princess said to me a long time ago… Stella can only be really okay when surrounded by doctors. It is her natural habitat.

This Monday evening, after a busy day at work, I noticed Princess had sent me an email to thank me.

Princess had found the courage to phone Stella’s psychiatrist and she had an appointment, together with Stella, this evening.
I am happy Princess did what she did but I am even more relieved Stella’s psychiatrist is aware there is a real problem with Stella and made time for them.

Don’t thank me Princess because you did it. You took the steps. I only gave you the tiniest of pushes.

I am here for you and I always will be.
I am so very proud of you.
I love you, Princess.
Yours for eternity,
Milord.

Up

Thoughts – August 6, 2014

Past Saturday Princess and I took Stella and Star on a day trip to the beach. It was not too hot and we enjoyed the water, the beach and even did a little shopping.

After dropping Stella and Star at their place it was way past 10 in the evening. It was the first Saturday of the month thus Fetish Lounge Club in The Dungeon.

Princess and I were way too tired so we stayed at home and played with rope before turning in.

At noon the next day we drove to Stella’s to pick her up. She was in a very bad shape and apparently very down. I could see panic and fear battling in her eyes.
We took Star with us so Stella could sleep it off.

Then I dropped Princess at her place. Later that afternoon Little A. arrived at my place for another 2 weeks of being together.

Yesterday evening I picked up Princess and then Stella and Star. Princess’ firstborn had an appointment with her psychiatrist and we went for a walk with Star and found an empty spot on a terrace where we waited for Stella.

I played with Star for a while so Princess had some private time with her daughter so they could discuss the session.
When I came back the atmosphere had changed from light-footed to grim.

We stayed for another hour and a half at Stella’s place while she lost herself in thoughts about a zillion things. All of them fuelled by fear.
It was depressing, sad and weary and when we left we were both turned up.

Stella needs a lot of attention and care and I’ve noticed Princess finds it often very hard to coop with it all. Besides, like most people who suffer from a mental illness, Stella is very selfish too.

I am glad I can help Princess taking care of her eldest daughter and happy Stella allows me to do so.

_8050753

Another car accident

I’m writing this while still feeling somewhat irate. The coffee, cream and sugar, soothing though.

Today’s story goes as follows.
A few months ago we had a few meetings with a coach about Princess’ kids and their difficulties accepting me/the situation/mom’s boyfriend.

The coach explained that much of their reluctance is born out of anxiety. They feel their mom is spending more time with her boyfriend, that family bonds are loosening and, oh horror, in a few months he is going to move in the house.
It is all about fear and holding on to what they know and rejecting change. Yet everything changes, it is the nature of things and events to do so.

One of the tips the coach gave Princess was to install a weekly family evening and to have it on a fixed day so they have not only something to look forward to but it is also some kind of anchor point. Don’t change the day to often either, only if there is no other way around.
Princess and I agreed that she would phone me just before going to bed so that the special family evening was one without yours truly casting a shadow over the weekly event.

Bo and Ar have a student room and are rarely at home during the week. Friday seemed the most obvious choice and thus became family day.

Yesterday, Friday evening, Princess phoned me.
The Boy was out with friends and Kay, Princess’s youngest daughter, on camp. Bo and Ar wanted to go out too and asked her mother to see if I wanted to change our Saturday for a Friday.
I agreed.
Otherwise Princess would be home alone.

I said yes and picked up Princess at her place.

Just before I could ring the bell the front door was opened and Ar, carrying baby Star, came outside. We were both startled and she turned around and went in the house again and I walked back to my car.

The evening before Ar had texted Princess a few angry messages because Princess was away with Stella and me. Ar can be very violent and I’m not only talking about her use of words. Ar suffers from bipolar disorder and can be very explosive to say the least.

So there I stood behind my car and I saw Ar, carrying Star, coming out again and walking towards me.

Fuck I thought, not knowing how to react or what to do. I remembered the first time we met, in Princess’s kitchen, some two years ago. Hell, Ar screaming and yelling at me doing her very best not to hit me.

Then Stella came outside. “Look who’s here,” she smiled connecting Ar with me. She’s good at that, Stella is.

For a brief instant we talked, Ar and I, and when I asked her if she wanted to see the 2′ movie I made of Star on the playground she said yes and even commented on it.
Wow.

Then a car stopped on the driveway and Bo came out the house and mumbled something when she passed me yet trying very hard not to look at me. She left with a friend. Tim something.
He left the car to say hi to Star but we weren’t introduced.

I felt satisfied though.
After all it was the first real contact with Ar.

We left with my car and brought Stella home where we stayed for almost an hour and a half.
Stella lost herself once again in nagging about her health.

Anyway, when we arrived at home Princess was exhausted and I was tired too. I loaded Melancholia, a Lars Von Trier movie but we decided to go to bed.

Before falling asleep we made love and this morning, when we woke up, we made love again.

At little after nine Bo called. Still half asleep I noticed Princess jumping out of bed and say “we’ll be there right away.”

Apparently while driving back home Tim something had a car accident. It was not his fault but it was a frontal collision.
Bo wanted her mom to pick her up. I don’t think she is physically hurt but it is the second car accident in less than a month and Bo is very emotional. This is bound to leave psychological scars.

We got in my car and I entered the address in my GPS. It was only 4 kilometers from where we were live so we would be there in 10′ max.

I guess you all know by now how the story continues?

Princess phoned Bo telling her we would be there right away. Her friendly voice changed into disbelief and then anger.
“What?” I snapped but I already knew what was going to follow. Bo did not want US to come.

So I drove Princess home, another 10 kilometers away from Bo so Princess could drive 15 kilometers back because that egocentric and stupid b$?%@ did not want us coming to get her.
On the way home Bo even phoned again asking why it took so long for Princess to arrive!
Can you believe it?
How stupid and selfish can one get?

Fuck, Princess and I are together for already 3 years and I make Princess extremely happy. I take care of Star and Stella and yet the other kids who don’t even know me hate me and reject me and often do so in a very bad-mannered way. I sometimes even think they don’t want their mom to be happy and have a new relation. They want her for themselves, those egocentric kids.

So yes, for a few moments I was very angry.
Not on Princess of course but because the situation had once again exceeded itself in absolute stupidity.
In my opinion Princess is way to lenient with them and supports their kids in their self-pity and rudeness because they have suffered a great loss.

I dropped Princess at her place so she could drive back for Bo with her car. When we said goodbye and I couldn’t stop my tears.
Once again I felt rejected and deeply hated and this is going on for 3 years and no ending in sight.

When we first met, Princess and I, I respected her kids and felt sorry for their loss and whenever Princess talked about them I listened and cared.
After 3 years they have lost my respect and everything else I ever felt for them. But when I see them I am polite and that is way more than what they have ever given me.

Later on Princess texted me to tell me she was going to drive Tim to his home near Antwerp, some 34 kilometers further. His car was a total loss.
And afterwards she took Bo to the hospital as her daughter suffered from muscle pain.

We phoned briefly and once again Princess could not stop searching reasons and excuses for her daughter’s ugly comportment.
Nothing ever changes.

Anyway let us be happy and thankful. The frontal accident could have had far worse consequences. After all a car can be replaced.

No Princess, I am not mad at you. How could I?
I love you more than anything.

003

About Stella

Past Saturday I took Princess for a walk.

We walked over a small path next to a river.
On the left-hand bank a big well-kept garden and a 14-century castle and on our walking side grass and woodland.

We passed a huge rectangular pond, obviously manmade. It was still hot and mosquitos were having their way with us. We walked, close to one another.
Nothing else mattered nor was anything more important but us.

Under an old tree we stood still for a while. Stella had called her mother in distress and it was hard for Princess to soothe her firstborn.

You see, Stella is  dating.
In a way that is great news. Stella has come from far and she is craving for love and attention. It means she has built up enough self-confidence to start dating.
Sadly there is one little detail that makes it even harder for her. Her new psychiatrist has lowered Stella’s medication so she can get to Stella’s bare emotions more easily in order to discuss and treat them.

As a result Stella hasn’t been very well lately. Fear attacks happen more frequently than before and psychosis is one again a lurking monster panting in Stella’s neck. She has trust issues towards men too and my role thus becomes an ambiguous one. Stella like me and accepts me as her mother’s partner. Yet when she feels she has let me come to close I am pushed away.

Therefore Princess and I were flabbergasted when we learned Stella had invited someone at her place after nothing more than a phone call.
Nothing happened but afterwards we told Stella she was playing a very dangerous game. It struck a chord and that is a good thing.

When Princess told me her daughter was dating I was happy but I told my love it would mean for us doing a lot of damage control.

So Stella meets B. and at first he is nice and cool. Then Stella gets the impression there is something rotten in the state of Denmark. She asks her mother to help her get B. in psychiatric confinement. In Stella’s opinion this will be very beneficial for him.

Let us not forget the sad truth here. With some exaggeration I could say Stella feels quite comfy being in a psychiatric facility like “4”.
After all it is a safe world that takes away her demons and understands her and accepts Stella how she is.

Then something goes wrong and for an untrained eye it could be nothing more than a tiptoeing amoeba.
B. becomes persona non grata, a child abuser, a raving maniac, a loony or a drug abuser. The poor guy gets not so friendly text messages, insulting him, accusing him of unspeakable things.

In between Stella calls her mom a zillion times for comfort, advice or simply to talk. Stella has no notion of time and sometimes Princess’ iPhone rings at 1 or 2 or even 4 in the morning.

When reason takes over once again Stella tries to kiss and make up with B.
This will be in vain of course.

Nobody in his right mind should or would ever accept this kind of treatment.
Well, I guess if someone does he must truly be the One for Stella.

I can only hope Stella will find a loving and caring man who will accept little Star as his own.
Stella really is a very good, caring and kind person.
I sincerely wish Stella and Star to be as happy as her mother and I are.

Waiting

Demons

We all have our demons.
Back in the old days I lodged a few myself. Today I can safely say I’ve evicted most of them, if not all. I have finally found my safe haven. It is called Princess.

Now that we are at it let me give a few examples. I agree they may sound trivial and they probably are but hey, that’s why they are called demons.
And my demons are not your demons.
Nah!

I do not have a best friend. Well, except Princess of course. When I come to think of it, I don’t have what most people would call friends either.

Some of my colleagues are a substitute though and conveniently they are only available during working hours. I share a specific part of myself with each of them so none of them gets the whole picture.
One of them, Boris, is an exception though. I think he comes the closest to what I would consider a good friend.
Needless to say I share everything with Princess and I have no secrets whatsoever for her.

In my early twenties I lived together with The Architect. It was my first serious relationship. It lasted for almost 4 years and we had a bunch of friends and I had a couple of very good friends.
At a certain point during that period I spend a few days in Paris for work. Every evening I phoned The Architect but she never answered my calls. I did not think much about it though.

Many years later, The Architect a fading memory at that time, I had a few drinks with what I had always thought of as a good friend.
Drunk he confessed to me The Architect had dropped by when I was in France to help him redecorate.
She had spent every evening and night with him.
Okay.

It didn’t hurt me any more. Let bygones be bygones.

After all I had left The Architect after finding out she had fucked a mutual friend for weeks and to top it off had a thing going on with her hairdresser.

What I remember most of that epoch was the agonizing pain when my trust was destroyed and the disbelief and despair that went with it.

Just to set things straight I have never breached one of my partners trust by fucking around. I am not a lowlife and I cherish my self-respect. You simply don’ bang anyone else while in a relation.

It took some time before I was able to trust a chick again. When I did I got fucked over once again.
Well, in fact she apparently got an extra fuck and it was not by me.
I noticed it and smelled it when I went down on her one evening after she dropped by at my place hours later than promised.

After that it took much longer before I could open up and sure enough, never two without three.
Apparently shit does happen.

Although my Ex-wife did not screw around but I still suffered from a trust issue.

My father died when I was 13 and left me with a separation anxiety that increased when a few years later my grandparents left and moved on to The Upstairs.

Like I said, Princess is my safe haven and she has helped me say goodbye to my demons. Now and then they surface again though, I can’t help it, I am a product of my past.
Then again I have Princess to hold me and chase these demons away and she does a wonderful job doing so.

A few hours ago I missed a telephone call.
Stella had tried to reach me.
Of course I phoned her back.
Only a few words were enough to know Stella was not well.
She had in vain tried to reach her mom and I was her plan B.

I listened to Stella who clearly was in overdrive. I listened with the patience I know she needs.

Sorrow overwhelmed me when I tried to imagine the impact of the demon that was mind fucking her this time.
Unfortunately Stella has so many demons.

This particular demon had the face of the man she helped convict a decade ago. He did time and I don’t think he enjoyed it very much as his type of crime is not really appreciated by other inmates.

This afternoon Stella had seen this “The Ex-Convict” in her street and he had smiled at her with that devious grin she knew all to well. She had seen him before but each time she had to admit it was a freaky lookalike.
She tried to persuade me this time it was real.

I listened and talked and reasoned and finally I was able to convince Stella to talk to her mother before running to the cops without zilch.

Hell, was I happy Princess had told me just yesterday evening Stella had changed the dosage of her medication.

Later on Princess phoned me and I told her about my conversation with Stella. Princess had received a few text messages from her firstborn but was unaware Stella was going berserk.
We both drove to Stella and we talked with her and it soon became clear chances were it was an almost 100 certainty it only happened in her mind. We were not able to convince her though.

Stella’s mind goes on and on trying to prove for it and to us everything really happened the way she imagined it did.

Gradually her fears and imagination engage in a maddening tango.
For Princess and I this is a soothing moment as her proof and explanations and self-convincing become so surrealistic we know it is her mental state showing its ugly face.

“I’m tired”, Stella said. She had taken a sleeping pill.
“Do you want us to stay for an extra half hour while you try to fall asleep?” Princess asked her eldest daughter.
For a moment I saw hesitation in Stella’s eyes and I am sure she did not want to hurt my feelings.
“You know what”, I said, “I’ll leave you both with it so you can spent some private time together.”
I said goodbye to both Princess and Stella and drove back home.

I have a couple of  beers with name written on them waiting in my fridge

I can only pray and hope Stella feels better when she wakes up.

Yeah, we all have our demons.

For some of us they are more real than for other people.
Stella is one of these them.
Her demons are so very tangible.

I care for Stella very much.
After all she not only is Princess’ daughter but she is the only one who opened her heart for me. Stella’s brother and sisters, after almost 3 years, still dislike me big time.
Yet they don’t know me.
Go and figure.

Let me write a few forbidden words.
I consider Stella almost as daughter 3 and I am willing to take responsibility and care for her.
My feelings for Stella’s daughter Star are those of a grandpa.
Hush now… it are indeed forbidden words.
Let’s erase this last paragraph

Tristesse

A Thursday Evening #ASMSG #EroticRomance #Dominance #submission #BDSM

We had a great and intense Thursday evening, Princess and I. Yes, my love is feeling better.

Princess was stressed though when I picked her up at the garage where her car was scheduled for maintenance this Friday. In less than half an hour before our date my love received some 30 text messages and 16 voice messages from Stella and the last ones where not very friendly.

On the way home she called her first-born and put her on the speaker so I could follow the conversation. I’m happy Princess followed one of my tips and instead of telling Stella she is not ill (she isn’t trust me, it is about hypochondria) causing Stella to go mad and/or break the communication, she listens and answers without confirming anything.

At home I collared Princess and we drank some Shiraz, comfortable seated on the couch with music by StrangeZero on the background.

“Hungry?” Princess asked?
“Mmm, yes,” I told her.
What followed was another wonderful and intense first one.

Princess told me I was free to read, work or surf on the iMac while she cooked dinner.
For a while Princess was busy in the open kitchen while I worked on my epub project.

When dinner was almost ready I set the table and sat down as Princess had expressed her wish to serve me.

Today Princess told me she had enjoyed it so much, cooking for and serving me. I had too, and the chili con carne was simply delicious.

Yes, I had enjoyed this first one so much as it gave me, us, a glimpse of our future.
Princess and I in a loving and caring D/s relation happily living together. We would then be, of course, a married couple.

We watched Citizen Kane on the iMac but we didn’t finish it.

Princess and I went to bed, we were exhausted and longing for each other’s arms. Carefully I gave her a few orgasms before we fell asleep.
It was Friday, early morning and we hadn’t made love since past Sunday night. For us it seemed like a century ago.

She sighed of contentment, my Princess, snuggling and kissing.
We fell asleep and didn’t dream as our dreams were right there, next to one another.

Princess cooking
Princess cooking

Thoughts – November 20th, 2013 #ASMSG #nov

I’ve been feeling very emotional these past few days, the aftermath of the Stella dinner party gone wrong and the fact them I am absolutely nowhere when it comes to Princess’ kids have a major role in this. The dark winter evenings are not helping either.
We had a fine weekend though, Princess and I, dancing, cuddling, playing and spending Saturday and Sunday night together.
Hell, nights with Princess are always too short; I could spend the rest of my life just lying in her arms, skin against skin and her warm breath mixing with mine.

Stella is not well at all and Princess has a hard time cooping with her eldest daughter and she told me it is even heavier now that I’m not aloud around anymore to stand next to her. It makes me feel so utterly powerless.
I can only hope Stella gets better; maybe she’ll have to take more or other drugs against that lurking psychosis that is almost always present in some faraway corner of her troubled mind.

Yesterday I had an unusual bad day at work and when I got home I phoned, as I had promised, with Big A. about her paper she has to deliver today for school. It went bad too; Big A. can be so very short-tempered and has a hard time accepting even positive criticism.

Later on Princess came by and she was not in a very good mood neither. My love explained how Stella had a fight with Kay, Princess’ youngest kid, how her day hadn’t been easy neither and how she was really suffering from the pressure Stella seems to create around herself and others.

I kissed Princess and gave her a present, just for fun, as I don’t need a special occasion to do so except maybe because today it was the 20th. (2 years and 2 months together).
She liked the book I had picked up for her; “Erotica”, a collection of short stories written by Anaïs Nin.

“Let’s go to bed”, I told her, “and read.”
I took my Nexus 7 tablet, sitting in its protective pouch, as I wanted to read “Borealis – Part One Outlander” by Ellie Bay, an e-book I had bought earlier on Amazon. It is a mix of Sci-Fi and BDSM and an excellent review on Southern Sir’s blog made me curious enough to buy the book.
While walking to the other room I hit the doorpost with my arm and the pouch with my tablet fell on the ground. I didn’t make much out of if, hell, the pocket is thick enough.

When I crawled in bed after a quick shower Princess was already reading, it is a real book I gave her, and I took my tablet and swiped to open the screen.
It didn’t respond.
I tried again and then felt something rough under my fingers. Sure enough the screen had been broken when it dropped on the floor.
Fuck, just some cracks on the border but enough to make it irresponsive.

I could not help it but I cried.
Yes I know, it is just some stupid piece of easy replaceable electronic shit and there are far worse things that can occur. But I guess it was in some way the culmination of all these past events that broke me yesterday.
Stella and the dinner, her brother and sisters who don’t want anything to do with me and show it whenever they can, a bad day at work, Big A.’s nagging chatter.

Princess held me in her arms trying to comfort me but for a while I was unable to feel a thing. I lay on my back, staring in the dark while she kissed me softly, stroking me ever so gentle.
For some reason I did not respond, even turned away, wanting to be left alone and for a split second I had the impression my heart had died.
I felt as I imagine Major Tom must have felt “Here am I sitting in a tin can far above the world / Planet Earth is blue and there’s nothing I can do.”

Princess held me and I came to my senses and kissed her, pulled back, still not feeling okay. Finally I grabbed Princess and kissed her vigorously, caressing her whole body with the tips of my fingers until she shivered and moaned.
I then pulled her on top of me, her back on my stomach and chest and I squeezed and pinched her nipples and my hands moved down and I brought the love of my life to a very intense climax.
“Thank you, I needed that so very bad,” she whispered while it was my turn to hold her.

Then I helped myself while Princess licked my nipples and I came lavishly and she drank me and did not stop before she had gotten it all.
“Mmmm,” she sighed before pushing her mouth on mine and we kissed and I tasted myself and it was, as always, so fucking awesome.

We slept well and early this morning she got up for work and I stayed in bed. Wednesday is my free day after all.

At noon today I drove 10 miles back and forth to fetch Big A. from school and she gave me the whole shitload about me caring more for Princess’ kids than for her.

It is old news and I know it is hard for Big A. to understand that I can care for kids that are not mine let alone for their offspring like Star. Big A. reproaches me having helped Stella move, the trips to the “4”, the mother/baby care unit I made with Princess fetching Stella (super quality time with my love that was), the trips and finally the second hand bicycle I bought in a charity shop for Stella. It would make Big A. completely mad if she knew I also chipped in for a carrycot for Stella.

I know Big A. does not use the iPad I gave her a year ago so I explained the problem with my Nexus and Big A. gave me the tablet back for the time being.

When I came home I was once again on the verge of crying. Big A.’s nags hadn’t been much help and I felt worse than ever.
I phoned Princess and we talked briefly and I then felt much better.

I then opened Word and continued correcting the 29-page paper Big A. had emailed me yesterday and send it back. There was already a new mail waiting for me, from Big A., asking me if I would correct the attached document, which I did.
Meanwhile the iPad was being backed up, then I restored it to its original settings and installed the apps I like to use like Dropbox, Twitter, Hootsuite, WordPress and Tumblr. Finished the installation with the Kindle app and restoring the books it had bought on Amazon.com.

Princess came by after work to kiss me. It made me feel much better.

During the day I watched a movie I consider a wonderful and intense love story. It is one of the more accessible movies by David Lynch and is called “Wild At Heart” with Nicolas Cage and Laura Dern as lead actors.

Cage sings Presley and I am adding a clip at the end of this post.

It is dark outside yet it is only 8.
I miss Princess more than I can say or write but tomorrow evening she will be in my arms again.
It will be a long wait though.

Princess, I love you and it is such an intense, deep and unconditional love and it is new to me as I sincerely can say I have never loved someone like I love you.

Love me forever Princess. Always.
Love me tender.
Take it away, Youtube…

Dinner, the day after #ASMSG #nov

Maybe I should have known, guessed or acted preemptive.
Princess  told me a few days ago Stella was not well and Princess soon found out her first born had stopped taking her antidepressants for 3 days in a row.
Her doctor obviously ordered Stella to start taking them again.
I know the effect of stopping with such medication as I have experienced it years ago after I had a burnout.

Dinner started well and it was great to hold Star in my arms. It had been weeks since I’ve last seen the baby. Incredible she will be 1 in a little more than a month from now. The carry cot was set up in my room and Star almost immediately fell asleep.

I had chosen Princess’ and my favorite playlist.
Princess and her daughter loved the soup.
While I prepared the rest of the meal Princess was busy with Stella’s paperwork. I made sure the steaks were baked as requested, rare for my love and medium for Stella and me.

It went well and then Princess made tea and served dessert and very slowly, barely noticeable, the atmosphere changed and Stella became anxious, saying stuff that really hurt her mother and me.
Apparently the music had triggered bad and old memories about her father. Stella soon lost control over her emotions then became aware of this and expressed her wish to leave.

They went away in a rush, Princess and Stella and baby Star and I was left behind, devastated, taken by surprise by this tsunami of deep and strong emotions Stella emitted.
She has so many issues, this young girl, even more than I ever could have imagined.

I didn’t sleep very well, thinking it was my entire fault and I hoped Princess would text me after dropping Stella at her place, just to make sure I was well and to reassure me. I would have done so, it is important for me to know my partner is feeling okay.

Princess didn’t though and that made me even feel more abandoned and alone energizing my fear I had started it.  I felt so very distressed I had done something that finally triggered Stella the way it did.

Late yesterday night I wrote a very sad blog post and soon after deleted it as it was written out of agony and frustration and lack of comprehension. Writing with these strong emotions in my mind is indeed not a very good idea.

Of course I understand Stella, she is not well, has issues with trust but yesterday evening was the first time I’ve seen her like this and it was not a pretty picture.
Will it have its influence in our further relation, I mean between Stella and me? Yes, even if I understand where her anger and lack of trust is coming from, my belief in her and the friendship and support I have given has been breached.
Princess, please know that I will never ever give up on us. You are my life; my love and I want to grow old with you at my side. You are my Holy Grail, the One I have been waiting for so long.

And if your kids give you a hard time and do not accept me as your partner because they are sad and frustrated and they miss their father and dislike me for whom I am, your partner, all this only fuels and strengthens our relationship.

You, Princess, are my future, my wife to be and my eternal love.
I love you so much and unconditionally, Princess.

Sadness

The end of “4”

It started as a very stressful evening.
Yet it changed, over time, so much for us, Princess, Stella and I, and I feel grateful having been a part of this story. I’ve learned being patient and understanding but most of all I experienced the satisfaction of opening my heart and mind to others and I got two treasures of real gold back in return.
Boy it was one heck of a ride!
This is how I experienced it and I know for Princess it was only a sad continuation of loved ones in psychiatric care.
For Stella it was and is, I think, more about growing, transcending her selves and she did one hell of a fine job.

On January 3th (2013) Princess and I fetched Stella and Star at the maternity, drove to the city so Stella could officially register her daughter and then I drove them to the Mother/Baby psychiatric care unit that I soon started to call simply “4”.

What I remember of that evening is that I had to stop on many occasions so Stella could run out of the car and vomit. Stress.
At the care unit I told Princess to take care of her daughter and the baby, I would unload the car.
The brick I had put against the door to prevent it to close slipped away and the doorbell didn’t work. So I rang Princess and felt her iPhone vibrate in my back pocket. I finally found myself yelling “Hey my love open the door” on the street and it took a fucking long time before it occurred to Princess I was missing. Ah, love… 🙂

A few weeks later, during our first Salsa dance lesson, Stella texted everyone in her phone book telling them she was infected with some deadly disease and prayed Star would be in good hands. That evening Princess and I spend our time doing damage control, texting and phoning, assuring friends and family nothing was wrong.
Psychosis is so nasty, so mind fucking, an evil SOB, I know, I have been there too, not that bad or deep but I know what it is. What it feels like.
During her pregnancy Stella was not able to take her medication and finally psychosis kicked in again.

It took some time for Stella to get a grip and the drugs to work. I saw a distressed and lost girl, a young mother, clawing to survive in those first weeks of the year 2013.

During the first few months I kept a low profile as Stella has an issue with trust but then she started to accept me. It was a very slow process though, but I could relate to that. Some things take time as long as there is the intention of making progress.
The Boy, Ar and Bo for example, Princesses other kids, never ever, in the two years Princess and I are together, made an effort to get to know me, they simple banned me from the start, the “foreign = bad” mentality.

When Princess could not free herself from work I drove Stella and Star to “4” and during the trip there was small talk, mostly questions from Stella, curious to find out who I am.
Princess and I took Stella and Star twice on a day trip and both times it was fabulous and fun.

Past Wednesday, the penultimate trip to “4”, I drove Stella and Star as Princess had to work. We talked and Stella confided to me, told me about her feelings towards her father and when I briefed Princess she simply told me it was so great to see how Stella trusts me and tells me things she does not want to tell her therapist.

I must admit, I consider Stella almost as my daughter and Star as my granddaughter although I officially never will be. Neither Stella nor her siblings will ever accept that thought and I understand as doing so they would betray their late father.

Stella’s time at “4” was limited yet she stayed longer than most residents. I remember how many times we visited apartments so she could start a life on her own. Stella was turned down each time.
Single mom, no income (she has a replacement income), all the fucking blabla and more than once the not so nice thought occurred to me, hell, owner, I would like to see you on the streets to be spit on because you are, momentarily, out of luck.

Finally Star got an apartment through the social housing company. Her brother and sisters repainted the place, I did some things too and tomorrow, August 30th, Star and Stella are moving out of “4” and moving into a new life. For the first time Stella will be on her own yet closely followed up by different social support organizations.
Princess and I are going to fetch Stella and Star tomorrow.

I’m sure Stella will make it. She has her mother, and her brother and sisters to look after her and her little baby Star. And me.

It will be difficult though. For example I made a label with her name for the doorbell and asked for her permission to stick it on the doorbell. Not even half an hour later she asked me to take it away because it made her feel uncomfortable. Maybe her abusive ex-boyfriend and father of Star could track her down. Fears, trust, Stella has to coop with it.
But Stella and Star are surrounded by love and she will never be alone.

I wish Stella and Star all the best and I will do everything in my power to help them. They are a part of my family and I love them both very much.

Princess and I don’t live together so I am finally an outsider and I have some concerns.
Driving to “4” mostly took some 2 hours back and forth and half of that we were alone, Princess and I, stuck in the privacy of the car and being able to discuss everything. That will be gone.
Stella has subscribed to several evening courses and I’ve promised her that, when the weather is bad, I’ll drive her back and forth as she has to do everything with the bicycle.
So in the future I’ll be seeing her now and then.

But when Stella is on such an evening course it is Princess who will be babysitting and for convenience this will be at her place, her home where I am not welcome.
I’m barely tolerated at Princesses house, just accepted for the time it took to pick up Stella and Star when I drove them to “4”.
The Boy, Ar and Bo resent my presence in their mother’s home so I won’t see baby Star that much anymore and that idea makes me incredibly sad.

I will miss Star’s laughter and babbling, holding her, telling her stories so much.

The most important though is that Stella and Star are starting a new future. Stella has come a long way and I am so very proud of her.
I’ve seen just one year’s difference and it is remarkable.

Yes, I am so proud of Stella as if she is my daughter.
She really is something!

I will miss the time with Star and Stella so much…

Four or "4"

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