Thoughts – August 28, 2015

I did not have the intention to write about it. It happened past Sunday and while it is insignificant within the bigger picture it made me feel angry, frustrated and sad through the whole week. Although it was not Princess’ fault either, I unconsciously created some distance between us too.

We spend past Sunday afternoon with Princess’ family as guests of her Brother. Stella tagged along because she had no other choice but she did her very best to avoid me.
Princess’ other kids stayed home because of me.

I told Princess’ Brother I was happy to be amongst his guests. I had not seen him in a long time.
“Stella phoned me a few days ago”, he told me.
“Oh?”
“Yes, she wanted to know why you had invited yourself to my party and why I had not done anything about it”, he smiled. “She told me that because of you she and her siblings could not attend. It felt like Stella demanded a second party just for them.”
“Oh?”  I said again.
“It is good they stayed home, I kind of dislike their behaviour, their selfishness. Not wanting their mother to be happy”, he continued.

There was a time when I would have defended Princess’ kids, when I still understood their loss, still respected them.
Now I don’t any more.
I simply nodded, shrugged and told him I did not want to discuss it any further.

They are whom they are and I have given up hope.
Quite frankly, and I know I’m hurting Princess’ feelings with this statement, from where I stand I have never met such hating, selfish and intolerant people.

Later on that afternoon Princess received a text.
“Bo asks if we would pick her up at her boyfriends place on our way home.”
She smiled. “Would you do that?”
“Sure”, I told Princess, amazed by her daughter’s request.
“Does she knows I am with you?”
“Of course she does”, Princess replied.
“I hardly believe it!”
“Told you things would eventually start to move.” She smiled again.
God Princess is so beautiful.

Oh boy, were things really going to change?
Would this be the breakthrough I was hoping for?
Had I been wrong about them and was Princess right every time she told me her kids needed time to coop with the situation.

“Wow”, I told Princess.
“You see”, she smiled, “I knew this was going to happen. Things are really changing. Now you can see for yourself. You are okay with picking her up then?”
“Yes, sure”, I replied, deep down not really convinced yet it would really happen.

We left at 7 PM and while I fastened Star in her baby seat Princess texted Bo to warn her we were on our way.

“I am so sorry, Milord”, she told me after reading her daughters’ reply.
“Tell me”, I said but I already knew the answer. I had known it all afternoon yet had done my very best to believe change could or would finally take place.
“Bo had forgotten I am with you. She will find another way to get home.”
I shrugged. There was nothing to say.
“But look”, Princess continued, showing me the text. “She is sorry and wants to say thank you for wanting to pick her up. Isn’t that nice?”
Deep inside I felt an atomic bomb detonate.
What the fuck. Nice?
Djeezes.
Bo essentially told her mother she does not want anything to do with me. I’m guessing she’d rather get a lift from a drunk than getting in my car. Even with her mother present.
I did not say a thing. I did not want to spoil the evening. I did not want to give Princess’ kids that pleasure. But I inside I felt a mixture of anger, sadness and frustration getting close to a boiling point. I fucking reached my hand out but was told to go and fuck myself. It felt and still feels that way.

So here I am.
I have felt bad about this all week and I did not tell Princess because it would inevitably end with a raw. I do understand her loyalty towards her kids but I am not sure if she knows how I feel with all this hate and intolerance towards me simply because I exist in Princess’ life.

Princess is still convinced things will change.
I am not.

Am I willing to spend the rest of my life in a relationship where 5 people hate me without even knowing me? Where every family gathering will cause problems because as Princess’ partner I’ll be present. What about Christmas? Birthdays? Will I be asked to step aside for the afternoon so her kids can come over and visit their mother? Will they instruct their own children not to talk to me, or come close?

Princess makes me very happy.
But am I willing to pay this price? Spending the rest of my life being hated and neglected and the subject of intolerance?
Every gathering loaded with contempt for me.

There was a time I would have said YES without hesitating.
I am not sure any more.

It feels liberating to write this down though.

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(c)www.clipartsheep.com – Visit their website, they have awesome stuff. 

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