Thoughts – November 12, 2014

It struck me when I noticed I hadn’t written for my blog in weeks.
Except for my weekly post about photography.
A month or so ago I briefly suffered from SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and obviously had its effect on my creativity.

I guess is it a mere lovers quarrel though. Writing and photography have been and still are my favorite ways of expressing myself. Yet I have never been able to do them both at the same time.
At the moment it is about photography and then, momentary, it will become less important and writing will take over.

Everything is well with Princess and as a couple we are doing great. The lovemaking still is awesome and I’ve added a few new tricks to my BDSM toolbox. They make Princess come almost instantaneously.

Since I fell out of grace with Stella I received a few not so friendly text messages. They are just a ventilation of her anger towards everything and for the time being I’m in the eye of the storm. I guess it has to do with the fact I kept Princess company when she was babysitting at Stella’s while her daughter was staying with her grandparents. The fact I stayed uninvited there is a huge issue and doing so I invaded her privacy big time. That was enough for Stella to ditch me.

Yesterday evening Princess was at my place and she told me Stella had been rambling about pain in her shoulder, her arm feeling numb and then it became disabled and blablabla. Stella was mad because Princess didn’t take it seriously. What she needed was ER and the finest doctors around.

Then Stella texted a message and Princess showed it to me. Stella referred to me as the ugly bastard that kept her mother from seeing her, spending time with her. Sadly it was business as usual.

Later on that evening I got a message too. Stella told me I was soon to change from mister gold to mister black.

She thinks I am rich hence the mister gold but Princess and I did not know what she meant with mister black. We made fun out of it referring to the Tarantino movie Reservoir Dogs albeit there is no Mr. Black but other colors are represented.

Shortly after Princess received yet another text message from Stella. It was kind if hard to figure out because it felt as a message about us intended for somebody else.
Stella wrote I was very aggressive and she had witnessed it with her own eyes. Then she wrote about that naive bitch she felt sorry for and how she could not understand that bitch wanting to undergo all this/that whatever.

Not more than 2 minutes later The Boy texted his mother and it was a disturbing message where he almost begged his mother to tell him if there was something wrong.
Suddenly I understood what Stella meant when she warned her mother I was soon to be a mister black. And I also knew why we didn’t quite understand her last text. It was not meant for us but for The Boy.

“Phone The Boy know,” I urged Princess.

They spoke for about an hour while I went to our bedroom and tried to calm down.

Stella had half convinced The Boy I am an abusive partner, that I hit and hurt his mother. He also felt very uncomfortable noticing his sister referring to her mother as the bitch.

Stella told her brother that their mother was with me for my money. That Princess is financially depended from me, that she is too afraid to leave me because I am violent and aggressive. It seemed Stella had swamped The Boy with text messages but he was way to ashamed to tell his mother what they were about.

I can only imagine what Stella is telling the other family members. And in the end, even if they know about Stella’s condition, I am a stranger and they will tend to believe their family member. I fear there will always be a shadow of a doubt haunting me.

When I woke up early this morning holding Princess’ warm body in my arms, I felt so sad I could have cried.
Mostly though I felt betrayed.

I had taken care of her and her little Star, I had given her friendship and trust and love. I remember writing I accepted Stella almost as my daughter. It was great being able to take some of Princess’ burdens away. I have noticed Princess finds it harder and harder to coop with her daughter.

I remember the four of us spending a magnificent day at the beach. I remember other moments, warm and intense or funny and pleasant when Princess and I spend time with Stella and Star. I had my own moments with Princess’ daughter too when taking her to Ikea and so on.

I guess that is the hardest part of it all.
It will never ever be the same again.


2 thoughts on “Thoughts – November 12, 2014”

  1. I’m so very sorry you are both experiencing this turmoil. I pray the storm passes and the light that is the love between the two of you will burn away the bitterness of lies.

    Annie B

    1. It is indeed not easy but is is even harder for Princess cooping with a child that suffers from a severe mental illness.
      This turmoil thought brings us even closer so that is a very good thing.
      Thank you for passing by.

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