Being there

When Princess and I left Stella past Saturday evening we knew the night was not going to be a peaceful one for Stella.
Sadly since weeks none of the evenings have been good ones for Stella.

Stella is really not doing well and baby Star has returning respiratory problems.

It was concerning to see how Stella had no idea if she had already given Star’s antibiotics. Chaos and fear reign.
Luckily Princess had kept track. She had been at Stella’s place at least 4 times already.

When I arrived at 8 Stella went outside to take a break on her terrace. Princess told me her firstborn was over stressed because her sisters had visited her and she had received way to many stimuli.

We took care of Star and when Stella reappeared she said hi and told me she was sorry for her behavior. That was not necessary. I really have an idea how she feels.

So we left Stella’s place and drove to our place. We did not go to Antwerp to attend the monthly Fetish Lounge. It costs and school just started and we are going on holiday.

We enjoyed a glass of wine and then we played.

I had Princess tied up, lying on the floor, when her iPhone buzzed.

I handed the phone over to Princess and she talked with her first-born.
Then I noticed hopelessness in her eyes when Princess handed me the phone. It was a gesture of surrender.

She did not say a word but I knew she had given up and wanted me to find a solution.

Stella was not crying, she was screaming with a mixture of fear, heartache and fear to the Nth power.

Her arm felt a little numb and she felt an uncomfortable tingling. You know, a sleeping arm or leg.

In Stella’s head she was slowly getting paralyzed and she was convinced she would wake up the next morning with a black and dead arm.
It was heartbreaking to hear and I felt powerless and did not know what to say. Not that it mattered though. Stella was to far gone to be open to anything reasonable.

“I am expecting my mother to come over now and stay the night with me,” she said and then the connection was broken.

So I told Princess going to Stella and pass the night with her was useless. It would sooth her, definitively. But only for one night and the next evening the demons would be back and it would be like that next evening. And soon Princess’ only option would be living with her daughter.

A real solution, if possible, was really something to strive for.So I told Princess there was only one thing to do. Take it or leave it was no option anymore.

I urged Princess to contact Stella’s psychiatrist and talk about her concerns, the impact on the family. Stella’s fears and worries, things I am almost sure Stella does not discuss with her doctor. Maybe I am exaggerating but I have the impression medicine is Stella’s religion.

Sunday morning we went to Stella’s to pick her up. She was mad and almost threw us out.

Sunday went by and when Princess phoned me it was 10 pm or so.

Apparently during the day Stella had not answered any of Princess’ calls.
Then one of Princess’ daughters visited Stella and had the impression baby Star had lost a lot of weight and was pale and so on.

So when Princess phoned me she was ready to pick up Stella and Star for a visit to ER. Princess needed me but was aware it would not be a good idea. There was need for some serious mother-daughter talk.

Obviously I didn’t sleep very well as I was worried about baby Star.

Princess texted me this morning and informed me Star was okay. Stella made up with her mother but when she found out Star was released from ER she got mad again.

It is something Princess said to me a long time ago… Stella can only be really okay when surrounded by doctors. It is her natural habitat.

This Monday evening, after a busy day at work, I noticed Princess had sent me an email to thank me.

Princess had found the courage to phone Stella’s psychiatrist and she had an appointment, together with Stella, this evening.
I am happy Princess did what she did but I am even more relieved Stella’s psychiatrist is aware there is a real problem with Stella and made time for them.

Don’t thank me Princess because you did it. You took the steps. I only gave you the tiniest of pushes.

I am here for you and I always will be.
I am so very proud of you.
I love you, Princess.
Yours for eternity,


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