Big. A. and me

When I graduated from high school, the year was 1979, I cried and for days I felt very sad.
No, it was not because I had flunked.
It was because of my Father.

My Father had passed away 7 years earlier and on graduation day I would have given anything for having him next to me.
That day I missed my Father tapping my shoulder, smiling at me, shaking my hand and telling me how proud I had made him.
It was a paralysing experience.
It was not only on that day I missed him deeply though but on every major milestone in my life.

I would have loved introducing Princess to him. He would have liked her big time and my Father would have tapped me on my shoulder and smiled knowing his boy was finally happy.
As he and Mom had been extremely happy for almost 14 years. Then the big C. took him away.
He was 64 and still went to work every day.

My Father would have been 106 in June.

It took Big A. two years to finish high school. My first-born lost a year while doctors tried to figure out what made her so ill. Not a week went past without Big A. texting me at work asking to call school and the family physician for an appointment.

I didn’t get much feedback from my Ex and I remember being terribly afraid Big A. suffered from some kind of lethal disease.

Finally it turned out Big A. suffered from gluten allergy.

Then another year was lost because she was tired of going to school.
With Princess’ help I convinced Big A. to finish her education although her mom wanted her to go to work.
She must have been kidding. Hell, without a degree?
Not going to happen.
Not on my watch.

Big A. counted on me for correcting her school assignments and often she asked my input to embellish her work. I was glad to be of some help.
During her 2-week final school stage I corrected most of the assignments they gave Big A.

By the way almost all her requests came by text message of email. Simple requests for help and asking me how life was going was rare.

A few weeks ago she came to me with her final paper. It was not that good and I told her so and we worked on it to make it better and she finally got an A+ for it.

While working with Big A. on that final project she told me she did not want me to attend her graduation.
I was flabbergasted.

It would be a non-event Big A. told me, just the teacher handing over the scholar report. I was not needed.
But there would be a Prom of course and she needed shoes, a dress. You know, the works.

During the past weeks Big A. insisted she did not want me at her graduation, he mother would come, but it was not all that important.

Hell, Big A. is 21 so who am I to insist? It is her choice. She is legally an adult since her 18.

I did not go to my daughter’s graduation. And no, it was not only a teacher handing over the report.
There were speeches, a show and a drink and proud parents.

I was able to express how proud I was with a text message and a note on her FB page.

Big A. came by two days ago.
I hugged her and told her how proud I was.

It turned out she didn’t want me on graduation day because I never ever paid for anything.
Big A. got so mad she said something she shouldn’t have because it made me finally understand.
Not even a few hours before I talked with her mother about child support. Big. A has finished school so legally my child support for her is ending.

“You don’t want to pay for me anymore”, Big A. cursed, “but then again, you have never ever done anything for me. But when it comes to Princess’ children it is a whole different story. For them you do everything.”

Sure I do. Princess’ kids hate me and I’m so stupid I don’t care and I give them iPads, iPhones and a Ferrari for each of them.

Big A. made me feel like a scumbag.
How often hadn’t I taken Big A. with me for some shopping? School supplies I had to buy when she was at my place. Hell, I never charged my Ex for that although I had every right to do so.

“I can’t stay for long”, Big A. told me, “I have to babysit.
“Okay”, I said.
“You’re so cheap”, my firstborn added.
I nodded.
“Can I have my pocket-money now?”
“Sure”, I told Big A. and gave her the 40 bucks I give her each month.

“You prefer Princess’ kids over me don’t you? You never did anything for me.”
I closed my eyes and remembered how 5 months ago Big A. had blown a fuse. That mad she was.
I had received an iPhone from work.
I hadn’t given it to her but had chosen to keep it. She could not stop telling me what a shithead I was. Did I not know how much she wanted an iPhone? I could have given it and asked for another one.
She was mad at me for weeks. How could I be such an egocentric person? My Ex was in the car too and did not say a word.

I gave Big A. the 40 bucks and told her to leave otherwise she would be too late at her appointment.
“You’ll be lonely with Princess gone”, Big A. said.
I shrugged.
“You have no friends”, she continued.
I nodded. That is true, but I have my reasons.
“No family.”
” I haven’t”, I agreed.
Over the years I killed them all, father, mother, sister, uncles, aunts, nephews and nieces. Buried their bodies in places I could only find in my nightmares so nobody could track down the corpses.
Yeah Ted Bundy or Dahmer, eat that.

And Princess,” Big A. continued with disgust, “she is just using you.”
“Yeah you dumbass. If she really loved you she would take you with her.”
“Sure”, I smiled.

Then I simply asked Big A. to leave.
And that was all that what was to it.

I closed the door of my apartment and heard the sound of her high heels fade while she descended the stairway.
I felt sad because I had not felt a single emotion during this discussion. To be frank I was fed up with all it.

In the kitchen I opened the fridge and grabbed a beer.
There was nothing else I could do.


7 thoughts on “Big. A. and me”

  1. Oh Sir Bolli, I cannot like this at all. I’m so sorry to hear that Big A’s mind has been poisoned. She is very skilled at causing hurt, something that was probably taught to her by your ex. It’s very sad that this behavior is being perpetuated. My heart goes out to you.

    1. Dear Peep, I think and Princess agrees, that my first born is mad at me for leaving her mother and her. The divorce is a story in its own right and maybe I’ll write about it one day. What I wrote now, about my eldest daughter whom I love deeply was merely a matter of getting it of my chest.
      Yes, it hurts though.

    1. Hello Vile, one day she’ll come to reason. It used to hurt, now things flow over me and I shrug my shoulders and hope, indeed, all will turn out well. I love her very much though.

  2. There is no rhyme or reason. You do what you can for your daughter who does not appreciate it, and I have a daughter who has a father who does nothing for her. She wishes she had a father she could appreciate. It just sucks. The best any of us can do is to be good examples to them and hope they will one day open their eyes. It is good to get such things off your chest. Can’t have a good strong chest caving in over the weight of another’s stupidity. Take care.

    1. Thank you for you insight on this. Yes, I do love my two daughters very much and I understand where Big A.’s anger comes from. Indeed I just needed to write it of me.
      Take care too.

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