We all have our demons.
Back in the old days I lodged a few myself. Today I can safely say I’ve evicted most of them, if not all. I have finally found my safe haven. It is called Princess.
Now that we are at it let me give a few examples. I agree they may sound trivial and they probably are but hey, that’s why they are called demons.
And my demons are not your demons.
I do not have a best friend. Well, except Princess of course. When I come to think of it, I don’t have what most people would call friends either.
Some of my colleagues are a substitute though and conveniently they are only available during working hours. I share a specific part of myself with each of them so none of them gets the whole picture.
One of them, Boris, is an exception though. I think he comes the closest to what I would consider a good friend.
Needless to say I share everything with Princess and I have no secrets whatsoever for her.
In my early twenties I lived together with The Architect. It was my first serious relationship. It lasted for almost 4 years and we had a bunch of friends and I had a couple of very good friends.
At a certain point during that period I spend a few days in Paris for work. Every evening I phoned The Architect but she never answered my calls. I did not think much about it though.
Many years later, The Architect a fading memory at that time, I had a few drinks with what I had always thought of as a good friend.
Drunk he confessed to me The Architect had dropped by when I was in France to help him redecorate.
She had spent every evening and night with him.
It didn’t hurt me any more. Let bygones be bygones.
After all I had left The Architect after finding out she had fucked a mutual friend for weeks and to top it off had a thing going on with her hairdresser.
What I remember most of that epoch was the agonizing pain when my trust was destroyed and the disbelief and despair that went with it.
Just to set things straight I have never breached one of my partners trust by fucking around. I am not a lowlife and I cherish my self-respect. You simply don’ bang anyone else while in a relation.
It took some time before I was able to trust a chick again. When I did I got fucked over once again.
Well, in fact she apparently got an extra fuck and it was not by me.
I noticed it and smelled it when I went down on her one evening after she dropped by at my place hours later than promised.
After that it took much longer before I could open up and sure enough, never two without three.
Apparently shit does happen.
Although my Ex-wife did not screw around but I still suffered from a trust issue.
My father died when I was 13 and left me with a separation anxiety that increased when a few years later my grandparents left and moved on to The Upstairs.
Like I said, Princess is my safe haven and she has helped me say goodbye to my demons. Now and then they surface again though, I can’t help it, I am a product of my past.
Then again I have Princess to hold me and chase these demons away and she does a wonderful job doing so.
A few hours ago I missed a telephone call.
Stella had tried to reach me.
Of course I phoned her back.
Only a few words were enough to know Stella was not well.
She had in vain tried to reach her mom and I was her plan B.
I listened to Stella who clearly was in overdrive. I listened with the patience I know she needs.
Sorrow overwhelmed me when I tried to imagine the impact of the demon that was mind fucking her this time.
Unfortunately Stella has so many demons.
This particular demon had the face of the man she helped convict a decade ago. He did time and I don’t think he enjoyed it very much as his type of crime is not really appreciated by other inmates.
This afternoon Stella had seen this “The Ex-Convict” in her street and he had smiled at her with that devious grin she knew all to well. She had seen him before but each time she had to admit it was a freaky lookalike.
She tried to persuade me this time it was real.
I listened and talked and reasoned and finally I was able to convince Stella to talk to her mother before running to the cops without zilch.
Hell, was I happy Princess had told me just yesterday evening Stella had changed the dosage of her medication.
Later on Princess phoned me and I told her about my conversation with Stella. Princess had received a few text messages from her firstborn but was unaware Stella was going berserk.
We both drove to Stella and we talked with her and it soon became clear chances were it was an almost 100 certainty it only happened in her mind. We were not able to convince her though.
Stella’s mind goes on and on trying to prove for it and to us everything really happened the way she imagined it did.
Gradually her fears and imagination engage in a maddening tango.
For Princess and I this is a soothing moment as her proof and explanations and self-convincing become so surrealistic we know it is her mental state showing its ugly face.
“I’m tired”, Stella said. She had taken a sleeping pill.
“Do you want us to stay for an extra half hour while you try to fall asleep?” Princess asked her eldest daughter.
For a moment I saw hesitation in Stella’s eyes and I am sure she did not want to hurt my feelings.
“You know what”, I said, “I’ll leave you both with it so you can spent some private time together.”
I said goodbye to both Princess and Stella and drove back home.
I have a couple of beers with name written on them waiting in my fridge
I can only pray and hope Stella feels better when she wakes up.
Yeah, we all have our demons.
For some of us they are more real than for other people.
Stella is one of these them.
Her demons are so very tangible.
I care for Stella very much.
After all she not only is Princess’ daughter but she is the only one who opened her heart for me. Stella’s brother and sisters, after almost 3 years, still dislike me big time.
Yet they don’t know me.
Go and figure.
Let me write a few forbidden words.
I consider Stella almost as daughter 3 and I am willing to take responsibility and care for her.
My feelings for Stella’s daughter Star are those of a grandpa.
Hush now… it are indeed forbidden words.
Let’s erase this last paragraph