To me each Holiday is a mixed bag of feelings. Christmas Eve, New Year’s Eve and to a lesser extent Easter, New Year’s Day and Xmas are days when my mind and heart are battlefields. Some kind of clash of titans as it were, a confrontation between ratio and emotion.
On the background Lakmé is playing, The Flower Duet, a beautiful and fragile composition of sheer beauty. To be honest the whole CD, Shades of Grey, is filled with gems and is, in my opinion, the only worthwhile thing that came from the 50 Shades hype.
The mind is a wonderful toy to play with. When I close my eyes I cannot remember how Easter was when I was a child except for two very distinct memories.
There is this huge carton Easter Egg, colorfully painted with motives I cannot recall. The two halves are decorated with paper lace and hidden in it are chocolates.
What I remember best though , probably because my Dad made a photograph, is me in the garden of my beloved grandparents reaching out for a red plastic basket filled with eggs. It is hanging on a branch of a tree and well out of reach for a little human like me.
Strange though that I cannot recall any Easter I spend with my daughters. Did they search for eggs? I only know we all dressed up and went to my Exes parents for an extremely boring afternoon. Although they where kind and caring people I had nothing in common with them, we could have originated from other planets.
That is of course not important, my girls had a great time with them and that is what finally counts.
While writing this I suddenly grasp how my mother must have felt, not seeing her grandchildren, on days like this. Hell, not seeing them at all.
How the mother of my children blinded me, how I was manipulated and made to believe things that now, when it is far to late, where not true at all.
I crave for that family feeling I lost so long ago. No parents, grand parents or uncles and aunts, they are all gone and only exist as memories.
No personal family anymore, I gave that up in December 2006 when I left my wife. I still believe it was one of the best decisions I ever made.
But I cannot hide the fact I so would love to be a part of a family.
Little A. and her mother are with her grandmother while Big A. is spending the afternoon with her boyfriend and his mother or father, I lost track.
Princess and her kids are spending Easter with the parents of her late husband.
My sister whom I haven’t seen in years has her wife and caring family.
I have started the day with Princess, drove her home and on the way we picked up Stella and Star. Stella hugged us both and that felt so great.
I’ll end the day with Princess when she comes back from diner with her family.
Finally that is all what should matter. Holding Princess and knowing all is well.
But on a day like this, when emotion overtakes ratio I fucking miss them all… my parents and my grandparents… warmth, love and being a part of it.
I so yearn for a caring and loving family.
Being a part of….