Thoughts – December 22nd, 2013 #ASMSG #DEC

Wow.
F
or the first time since our dinner with Stella went wrong, some month and a half ago, I saw baby Star again. At Stella’s place mind you, as Princess and I came by to pick them both up. Stella even took the trouble to make coffee for us both. It was still early and Princess and I had spend a hot night and morning together. This Sunday morning was no exception to the rule, au contraire. The lovemaking was very rough and I enjoyed using Princess completely, having fun with all the attractions she offers as it where.

When baby Star noticed me was started to cry. Not because she had missed me or was touched by joy seeing me again after so long. I had become a stranger and she quickly crawled in the direction of Princess and once safely in her arms Stella observed me, watching closely every move I made.
I dropped them at Princess’ place and drove back home.

I picked them up later that afternoon and drove to Princess’ brother for his little daughter’s anniversary.

Princess’ son, The Boy, wanted to attend too but only if we would go in separate cars. He does not want to be in the same small space with me. Princess refused so The Boy stayed at home.
We had fun at the party and gradually Star got used to me again and soon she was sitting on my lap and I saw Stella smile at me. Things seemed back to normal again, Stella acting as nothing had happened.
Princess’ father invited me for the family gathering on January 1st but I declined knowing her kids would never accept me being there, let alone with Little A.
My body language changed from happy to angry and frustration took over and Princess noticed it and asked me to get a grip.

It is getting tougher and tougher to control my frustration about how her children dislike me and don’t give a fuck about her mother being happy or not.
These past weeks they have shown me a few times their desdein by getting up and leaving the room collectively when I enter. Can they be any clearer?
Over time, I have been warning Princess this would finally happen, my heart has grown cold and I am now indifferent when it comes to her children. It makes me so sad it has come to this and that too makes me angry.
When Princess told me two days ago Bo was in distress because her boyfriend ditched her I couldn’t care less.
I have arrived at a point I cannot talk about them rationally anymore and I am guided by anger and frustration. It is poisoning me.

Later on we drove back, I dropped Princess at her house, she had to drop one daughter and pick up another. She is always busy driving around for her children.
We arrived at Stella’s and I helped her by taking Star’s pushchair and other stuff up to her apartment. I got a hug and then I was on my way home back again.

Later on Princess came by.  We talked and ended up quarreling about her children.
My fault.
In bed we made love, delicious and rough, and slept well.
This Monday morning we left home for work together, another first. On the parking we kissed each other goodbye and drove away, in different directions.

It is calm at work and I am ready to post this. I have read it over and over again and I know it is a little harsh here and there. But it is how I feel and finally these are tiny parts that are a part of who I am at a given time.

Just before posting this I was asked by a colleague for advice. I am one of the two confidents at work.
Carefully I listened to his problem and we discussed it, I offered several solutions and one of them he accepted. He was very grateful for my assistance.
It was only after coming back to my desk, sitting in front of my computer, reading what I had written it occurred to me.
Although work related I had helped a coworker deal with a situation that is almost a copy of my troubles with Princess’ children.
It is very hard to take a step back when it is oneself who is concerned.

I must find some peace of mind where it concerns Princess’ children and it has become an urgent matter.

Floating

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