Maybe I should have known, guessed or acted preemptive.
Princess told me a few days ago Stella was not well and Princess soon found out her first born had stopped taking her antidepressants for 3 days in a row.
Her doctor obviously ordered Stella to start taking them again.
I know the effect of stopping with such medication as I have experienced it years ago after I had a burnout.
Dinner started well and it was great to hold Star in my arms. It had been weeks since I’ve last seen the baby. Incredible she will be 1 in a little more than a month from now. The carry cot was set up in my room and Star almost immediately fell asleep.
I had chosen Princess’ and my favorite playlist.
Princess and her daughter loved the soup.
While I prepared the rest of the meal Princess was busy with Stella’s paperwork. I made sure the steaks were baked as requested, rare for my love and medium for Stella and me.
It went well and then Princess made tea and served dessert and very slowly, barely noticeable, the atmosphere changed and Stella became anxious, saying stuff that really hurt her mother and me.
Apparently the music had triggered bad and old memories about her father. Stella soon lost control over her emotions then became aware of this and expressed her wish to leave.
They went away in a rush, Princess and Stella and baby Star and I was left behind, devastated, taken by surprise by this tsunami of deep and strong emotions Stella emitted.
She has so many issues, this young girl, even more than I ever could have imagined.
I didn’t sleep very well, thinking it was my entire fault and I hoped Princess would text me after dropping Stella at her place, just to make sure I was well and to reassure me. I would have done so, it is important for me to know my partner is feeling okay.
Princess didn’t though and that made me even feel more abandoned and alone energizing my fear I had started it. I felt so very distressed I had done something that finally triggered Stella the way it did.
Late yesterday night I wrote a very sad blog post and soon after deleted it as it was written out of agony and frustration and lack of comprehension. Writing with these strong emotions in my mind is indeed not a very good idea.
Of course I understand Stella, she is not well, has issues with trust but yesterday evening was the first time I’ve seen her like this and it was not a pretty picture.
Will it have its influence in our further relation, I mean between Stella and me? Yes, even if I understand where her anger and lack of trust is coming from, my belief in her and the friendship and support I have given has been breached.
Princess, please know that I will never ever give up on us. You are my life; my love and I want to grow old with you at my side. You are my Holy Grail, the One I have been waiting for so long.
And if your kids give you a hard time and do not accept me as your partner because they are sad and frustrated and they miss their father and dislike me for whom I am, your partner, all this only fuels and strengthens our relationship.
You, Princess, are my future, my wife to be and my eternal love.
I love you so much and unconditionally, Princess.