Thoughts – November 1st, 2013 #ASMSG

Princess and I spend our Halloween evening quietly at home with some excellent Shiraz and a movie. Where we live this feast day has not yet the impact or meaning as it has in, for example, the United States.
Because of Halloween however I proposed The Conjuring and she liked it very much although Princess is not into horror movies.

We went to bed, made passionate and rough love as we always do and I gave her a serious portion of whipping, bringing Princess just to the edge of a powerful orgasm. Back in bed I continued petting and stroking her until she go into a series of intense orgasms, sinking in some deep trance after having squirted a few times.

I held her in my arms for a while and then moved her to the other side of the bed, covering her before I changed the sheets and turned over one of the two matrasses as I very often forget to use a protective sheet.

When we woke up the next morning it was November 1st and for Princess this means a very emotional day as her kids wanted to visit their father’s grave and they have still a very hard time processing their grief.

I told Princess I would keep a very low profile, promising her not to text nor to phone her so the kids would not be reminded in any way that I exist.
It’s just a question of respect towards them so I didn’t mind being He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Before I brought Princess home we made love again resulting in changing the sheets and turning over the matrass and Princess taking the sheets with her to launder them.

On my way back I passed some cemeteries and everywhere all-dressed up people were getting out of cars with flowers in their hands.
I went for a walk in the woods, the sun was shining and it was not that cold and I made some close-ups from half rotten seeds and flowers.

Suddenly it occurred to me I have no one to visit anymore.
The graves of my father and grandmother are long gone. A year after my mother died my sister and I scattered her ashes in a nearby river, it was her last wish. My grandfather’s grave still exists though. It is perpetual because he was a World War I veteran but I visited his burial place only a few weeks ago.

So here I am with almost no remaining relatives.  I have my two daughters of course and a sister from whom I am estranged. We haven’t seen each other in years and I only text her once a year for her birthday. She does too.
No uncles, aunts, nephews, nieces or other relatives that I am aware of.

It never bothered me, having no (big) family. I like to be on my own yet now that I am getting older I am more and more aware of the fact that I am the only guardian of my past, of my personal history and memories.
There is nobody to tell me long forgotten anecdotes about my father, my mother or my parents as a couple or old stuff from when I was a kid.
No one to show me old and fading photographs, pointing out somebody, on a rainy evening when I’m visiting and I have no one to check with when I’m not sure if a memory that emerges happened the way I think it did.

It is on days like this that I feel so very alone, abandoned even. This mood passes very quickly though and there are of course much worse things to experience.

On a day like this November 1st I miss having a family. I feel like a young child that misses the cozy warmth and the protection of a womb.
It has become a memory, these happy feelings, as one day I will be a memory too.

Today I cherish Princess even more as she is the only person that understands me and accepts me the way I am.
Princess is my family.

Mourning