A few days ago Princess and I had a terrible row and it was, for the first time, at my place. Those who follow my blog know what it was about, those who are new, well, I started the quarrel, as always, and it is about her kids.
And to be honest the arguments almost always emerge after me spending time with Big A., my daughter. She does not want me to get hurt and she knows I have been in a previous relation. So when we meet, Big A. and I, she likes to point out the fact that the life of Princess and I is played only at my place and that her 4 kids, 3 girls and one boy do not want me to enter their home. It is their safe haven and the place the want to keep pristine, a mausoleum in their father’s honor. It is a place where I am not welcome.
I started by respecting their point of view but now, after more than 2 years, they still don’t talk to me, leave the room when I briefly enter to pick up their mom or turn their backs on me. They have no idea who I am, what I stand for. They don’t know me at all yet they have decided that I must be treated as a non-human, someone who does not merit any respect at all.
So after two years of being not wanted and being humiliated I feel, and I am aware this statement may be a little over the top, as a black man who is not allowed in a public place because of his skin color.
Today I cannot discuss my feelings about this with Princess without losing myself in sheer madness that feeds with frustration and despair. And when I am mad I kill with words, I do not fight fair. Thus I say things that deep inside I don’t mean but hurt the opponent as hell.
I cannot put all this in perspective anymore and I agreed to Princess’ proposal and accept counseling.
It will be the first time I will be doing this and I am not sure I like the idea. Fuck, falling on my knees for a few egocentric kids who think that mourning exempts them of being respectful and being a true and understanding human being?
Are and Bo are 19 and 20 and intellectuals and University students. I am sure it would have made a huge difference if they would have told me, hey, we are happy our mom found someone who makes her happy but we are not ready to accept you. Please give us time.
For me this would have made big difference.
Will it help, this counseling thing?
I hope so. When I drive over to Princess’ place to pick her up I feel extremely stressed and uneasy and I ask myself the same question over and over: will I ever feel at home at her place when we finally get to live together? Can I overcome these feelings her kids gave me and in the years to come still open my heart to them?
All by all it is sometimes rather surrealistic though.
I arrive at Princess’ house and ring the bell and count to ten before opening the door so her kids have plenty of time to leave the room. I then enter in some Marie Celeste kind of environment. Study books open on table and a kid’s program on television and a PlayStation on the sofa, and one can feel the huge living room has been abandoned in a big hurry.
Princess hugs me and then, suddenly Stella comes running out of the kitchen and hugs me too, smiling and pushing Star in my arms.
Three likes, 4 times a dislike but those weigh the most.
While writing this blog post I have been texting with Stella too.
She asked me if I could take her shopping next Wednesday and if I cared for a McDonald’s at the same occasion. Sorry but no can do I answered. My car is in the garage the whole day for maintenance and I proposed another day.
Stella also wanted to confirm our dinner date as Princess and I invited her at my place and we both are going to cook for her eldest daughter.
I am looking forward to this evening. Stella is a wonderful, courageous and caring person and I like her as much as my own daughters.