Thoughts – September 29, 2013

I haven’t been writing much this past week, needing the time to catch up with work after a week away with Princess and Little A. spending the bigger part of the week with me. Then it occurred to me that I had to refocus on my relationship with Princess and readjust to a new situation causing my very short writer’s block.

We had a wonderful week in Germany. Wellness, hiking in the woods, visiting two interesting cities (Bonn and Cologne) and on Friday evening, September 20th, we had our 2nd anniversary dinner in Restaurant Shokudo.

Princess was amazed when she saw the Cologne Cathedral. The Kölner Dom was completed in 1880 and is 144.5 meters (474 ft.) long, 86.5 m (284 ft.) wide and its towers are approximately 157 m (515 ft.).

Cologne Cathedral

We had seen it the previous day, from the Drachenfels viewpoint, well defined at the horizon, miles and miles away.

Drachenfels

Princess imagined Cologne being a city with lots of old buildings, not something new with huge shops and modern buildings. Then I showed her a postcard, an areal view of the city taken around 1945. Like most major German cities Cologne was severely flattened. But not as destroyed as Dresden though, that bombing was a shameless action by the Allies putting themselves on the same low level of humanity as the Nazi’s.

I love(d) being in Germany. The food is good and copious and relatively cheap and we had the impression Germans are very friendly. The came over asking me if I needed directions when I barely had my city map unfolded. Speaking a little German helps and I’m going to learn the language on my own, just for my pleasure. I had 2 years at school but was demotivated by my mum.

Visiting Germany it is also some kind of vengeance.
I grew up with a mother who hated the Germans very deep and I really can understand the reason why except sometimes I found it unreasonable. I can remember long discussions with her, telling her that kids and grandchildren could no be held responsible for the deeds of their fathers or grandfathers.
I can still hear her say “Once a German always a German” waving with that little finger of hers.

My mother, who had English roots, lost her brother, a member of the White Brigade, the Belgian Underground, during WW2. Somewhere in 1943 he was taken prisoner and never came back. Until her death in 2006 my mother never ceased hoping he would be, one day, knocking at her door.

Charter

But I am severely digressing.

Princess and I played once, during our last evening in Germany. Most of the time we were too tired and just enjoyed delicious rough sex and I was glad I had brought a matrass protector with me. My poor little Princess has a hard time trying not to cum very wet or ejaculate and she fails miserably every time as I know by now which buttons I have to push.

I dropped Princess at her house the next day, Saturday 21th. deposed her luggage in the hallway but didn’t enter as I wanted to avoid her kids and drove back home and fell in a deep black hole, something I had been fearing for days. However I didn’t think it would be that bad.

Shokudo Boat

I now knew what it is living 24 hours 7/7 with Princess and trust me, I would have signed up for it immediately if I could.

But there is the very harsh reality. Her kids still dislike me; don’t want to get to know me so unfortunately nothing has changed. Will it ever?

Being invited for supper or just having a drink with Princess in her garden on a warm summer evening won’t happen for years. The kids simply rule her house and I can’t help thinking of them as little egocentric beings not wanting their mother to be happy. I feel powerless and extremely mad because those kids are deciding how my life should be and there is nothing I can do about it.
I am at a point where I am wondering if I could ever even like them, as I like Star. I honest to god don’t think I will ever be able to like them.

It does not help either that from my point of view we are not progressing anymore but going backwards. Since September 1st Stella is living on her own with Star and I am so happy this is working out well for them but I don’t see them as much as I used to do and that makes me very sad as I have grown very fond of Stella and Star.

Now that Princess and I don’t have to drive Stella back and forward to the Mother/Baby care unit anymore we have lost that time of being together, easily 4 to 5 hours a week.
With Bo and Are in student rooms Princess has to drive them to the railway station on Sunday evening at 10 pm so those evenings at my place are over too.

So we had the inevitable row past Monday evening, on the phone as always, and as it goes with disputes, they do not tend to bring solutions. Princess came over the next evening and we talked about my worries but I did not have the feeling it was helpful in any way.

Of course I understand Princess. It is a whole different picture for her. Princess has her life with the kids, only two left now during the week, and she is busy, at home, at work. She has a lot on her mind and hands and Princess does not have the time to feel so lonely like I do.

I on the other hand am alone when I come home from work and quite frankly I am getting fed up by being isolated. I want to be part of somebodies life, I don’t want half a relation where everything happens at my place and I am simply excluded from the other part where I hardly exist.

I would love to be part of a family. It is something I truly and deeply miss and I have forgotten how it feels. I have only my two daughters and that’s it. No parents, no uncles or aunts, nephews or nieces, only an estranged sister somewhere.

Until recently I didn’t give a fuck about Easter of Xmas or even New-year and now, being older (and maybe wiser although I doubt that) I really want to reconnect with the joy and happiness I felt when I was a kid.
And I know I won’t happen soon.

Only an hour ago I went to the laundry to fetch my dried clothes and I have to walk by the back exit of the Cohibar where Princess and I take our dancing course.
I bumped into this couple that is in our group.
“Hi, ” he said and she just smiled.
“Hi, ” I nodded.
“We didn’t see you, ” he continued.
“I am alone, ” I said.
He shook his head in understanding, man to man you know.
“There are plenty of women in there who are alone too.”
I smiled at him but I am sure it did not reach my eyes.
I said hi and went my way.

It is Princess I want.
Nobody else. Ever.

Please forgive me for nagging but it felt good spitting my silly frustrations out.

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