Smoke gets in your eyes

Sometimes we do stupid stuff and occasionally we think we can even defeat our vices.
We can’t and do not try this at home.

In 1989 I promised the mother of my daughters I would quit smoking the day we married.
Yes, I have my shortcomings, we all have them, but a promise is a promise and the day after I said yes I quit smoking. Like that. No nicotine gum or other shit, just the fact I wanted to stop and I had made a promise.

A few years ago, long after my divorce, on a warm summer evening, Big A. visited me and then stepped out on my terrace to smoke a cigarette. And for the sake of nearness I asked her for one and joined her. Fuck, it tasted like hell but a week later, when she visited me again it tasted better.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am not incriminating Big A.
It was my choice.
It is that simple.

For a while it worked and then, one evening I felt terribly blue and went to the night shop and bought a few cans of beer.
And, fuck it, a pack of cigarettes.

Very soon I was smoking a box (29 pieces – 6,20 Euro) a day.
I was hooked on evil shit again.

There was something strange though.
I met Princess and when I told her I smoked she did not believe me. I could spend an entire evening or a weekend with her without touching a cigarette, without missing it, longing for the prickling smoke in my lungs.

One day Little A. told me I had a bad breath when I came back from my terrace and a few weeks later she asked me to stop, please, before it is to late.

It is impossible to beat one’s daemons only for satisfying someone else so it took me some time to motivate myself. I lost my father when I was 13 and I did not want that for Little A. or Big A. of course although our relation is much more difficult nowadays.
Finally it was a promise that motivated me.

I promised Princess we would grow old together. It was as simple as that because it was not only a promise but also a wish.
The only thing I needed was a window to stop.

Little A. and I left for a one-week holiday in the Loire region, France, last year, on August 20th and that morning, before stepping in my car I smoked my last one.
No surrogates.
Just stopped smoking.
It was not easy at all, believe me, and Little A. and Princess, during the first weeks, had to endure my very bad temper.
But I made it.
Again.

Trust me on this but I will never ever think I can smoke one cigarette without paying the consequences.

I quit smoking a second time one year and one day ago and I do not miss it at all. I do not need that shit.
It is all in one’s mind.

Do not stop smoking to pleasure someone. It simply won’t work.

You can only stop if you really want to stop and when it is your own choice.

R.I.P.

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3 thoughts on “Smoke gets in your eyes”

  1. Congratulations, you took a big step giving up the smokes and you are correct you have to want to do it for yourself.
    After many years of smoking cigars two months ago I put them down for the very same reasons you stated. little flower never cajoled me into quitting or even asked me to. When I told her that I was she did stand behind me all the way.

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